Finding out your partner has cheated in a previous relationship can be a huge red flag. It’s understandable to feel apprehensive about the future, especially if the classic saying, ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater,’ keeps playing on repeat in your mind. While it’s true some people might have a pattern of infidelity, it’s not a universal truth, says Kayla Knopp, PhD, co-founder and clinical psychologist at Enamory in San Diego. Dr. Knopp’s research at the University of Denver suggests that many people can and do change their behavior.
So, how can you tell if your partner has truly turned over a new leaf? Here are five hopeful signs that they won’t repeat their mistakes with you:
1. They Open Up About Their Past Willingly
It’s important to remember that you’re not entitled to know every detail of your partner’s past. They may have reasons for being hesitant to disclose past affairs, especially if your relationship is new. However, when someone chooses to voluntarily share their past mistakes, it often indicates a genuine desire for honesty and transparency. This willingness to be open about their past can be a strong indicator that they are committed to building trust in your relationship.
2. They Understand Why They Cheated
Understanding the root cause of their infidelity is crucial. It’s not about justifying their actions, but rather about assessing their ability to reflect on their behavior and take responsibility. Dr. Knopp emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and accountability for growth and change. If your partner struggles to explain their actions or blames external factors, it could be a red flag. However, someone who has learned from their mistakes will be able to acknowledge their shortcomings and take ownership of their choices.
3. They Are Receptive to Your Feelings
It’s normal to feel critical or skeptical after learning about a partner’s past infidelity. If your partner becomes defensive or tries to guilt you for your feelings, it suggests they aren’t truly taking responsibility. Genuine remorse involves owning up to one’s actions, even if forgiveness isn’t immediate. A partner who is truly committed to change will be receptive to your reactions, whether it be disappointment, sadness, or even anger. They will be patient with your need for space and understanding while you process your emotions.
4. It Was a One-Time Slip-Up
The circumstances of an affair, whether emotional or physical, can be equally painful. However, whether it was a one-time lapse in judgment or a recurring pattern can provide insight into their potential for change. Dr. Knopp explains that someone who has a history of infidelity is more likely to repeat the behavior, unless they have actively worked on themselves. Repetitive infidelity often points to deeper-rooted issues like a need for external validation or a fear of commitment, which require more intensive intervention like therapy.
5. They’ve Taken Action to Repair Their Mistakes
Words alone aren’t enough. While apologies and promises to change are reassuring, true change requires action. This could involve seeking therapy to address the underlying issues that contributed to their infidelity. Other positive signs include apologizing to their previous partner, actively seeking resources to understand their behavior, and consistently encouraging open communication and healthy boundaries in your relationship.
Ultimately, no sign is foolproof. But remember, while a cheating past can be disheartening, it doesn’t automatically doom your relationship to failure. If your partner shows genuine commitment to change, and they are actively working towards a faithful future, it’s possible to build a strong and healthy relationship based on trust and respect.
