After 12 years in a relationship, Libby* is sharing her disappointment and resentment toward her partner’s unconventional proposal. Despite having discussed their engagement for years, Libby’s partner proposed in their hotel room while eating frozen yogurt, leaving her feeling underwhelmed and without a single picture of the moment.
“I thought it was a joke until I saw the ring,” says Libby, 35. “It’s a beautiful ring, but it’s falling off my finger, and the setting for the center stone is ridiculously high for no reason.”
Libby’s frustration stems from her partner’s lack of planning and thought. She had always imagined a romantic proposal at the waterfront where they first met, but instead, it happened in a hotel room after a night out in Las Vegas.
“It took everything within me that night not to cry,” she says. “Since then, I’ve been filled with sadness. I resent that he took 12 years to propose and that he just never does anything unless I hold his hand through exactly what to do. I lead everything, and this was the one thing he had to do on his own.”
Relationship expert Hayley Quinn suggests that the proposal may symbolize unmet needs and expectations within the relationship, particularly Libby’s frustration at being the primary planner and decision-maker.
“Whilst other couples without this undercurrent of resentment may have been able to laugh off a low-effort proposal, for this woman, it’s come to represent her relationship overall,” says Quinn.
Quinn emphasizes the importance of open communication and encouraging partners to appreciate each other’s contributions to the relationship, not just in grand romantic gestures but also in everyday acts of care and support.
“Not all romance is big gestures,” she says. “Sometimes it’s bringing someone a cup of tea in bed or taking the kids out for a day to give the other partner a break. Consider whether your partner is trying to meet your needs in other ways.”
To work through the disappointing proposal, Quinn suggests that Libby clearly explain her expectations to her partner and be prepared to accept that his proposal fell short.
“If he’s able to hear out her frustrations and provide her with reassurance, this may help to soften her feelings,” she says. “The other step she can take is one of radical acceptance: ‘My husband-to-be is not romantic, and that’s okay. I’m comfortable with what he does contribute to the relationship.'”
This approach may not be for everyone, but Quinn believes it could be a positive step forward if Libby is committed to staying in the relationship.
