Variety is the spice of life, and experimenting in the bedroom can build confidence, help you understand your preferences, and make for a more fulfilling sex life. But sometimes, those sexual fantasies are best left as, well, fantasies. When you finally build up to it and make it happen, it can be a total disaster, or even just a bit of a let down. Sometimes, it’s just hotter in your head.
Kinks and desires are nothing to be ashamed of, but in a popular Reddit thread, nearly 9,000 guys and gals shared the one sexual fantasy they strongly advise against fulfilling – and they’re speaking from experience. From yeast infections to food play and very small airplane toilet cubicles, heed their warnings…
## Risky Locations
Public sex is a very popular kink. In the UK, 15% of Brits say they’ve had sex outside – but it’s rarely the romp in the hay you think it’s going to be. On Reddit, @EIPresidente714, shared a rather unfortunate encounter:
> ‘Sex out in the desert at night coming back from Vegas. Creepy crawly desert things don’t sleep at night.’
Other Redditors shared similar cautionary tales. @Ooftwaffe, for example, learned the hard way that:
> ‘Got to third base on a rooftop. Rooftop shingles aren’t the “sexy” kind of painful.’
Having sex in a storage unit was another no-no apparently. @isthisfark wrote:
> ‘There’s a closing time and if you miss it you’ll get stuck behind the gates for the night.’
And then there’s the cliché of the airplane toilet, where many hopefuls dream of joining the mile high club. @bigindianenergy29 advises against it:
> ‘Trust me, these bathrooms are getting smaller and smaller. And people notice, they always notice.’
Beaches and pools were another pet peeve, ‘unless you want sand inside you’ and because ‘chlorinated water is a terrible lubricant.’ And another advised against sex in the library because of the cameras – although we can’t help but feel that making the slightest noise would be an issue too.
## Food Play
When we think of food play – otherwise known as sitophilia – the typical whipped cream, chocolate, and strawberries come to mind. But some people have been getting creative, with varying results. @DonSmitty shares this cringe-worthy experience:
> ‘A buddy in high school covered his gf’s [vagina] in chocolate syrup and ate her out. She got a crazy yeast infection from it lol.’
Another Redditor, @badaz06, chimes in:
> ‘Can’t say I wouldn’t “recommend” it, but use chocolate syrup sparingly. I was in a sugar coma for a week.’
Sploshing is another food-based kink enjoyed by some – the arousal comes from being covered in wet and messy substances like food products and beverages. But @EmmellineTx warns people to think of the aftermath:
> ‘You destroy every surface you touch. You’ll be cleaning it like you’re cleaning glitter.’
And then there’s @hot-snake-70’s unfortunate encounter with a glass of vino:
> ‘I found out the hard way that if you stick your dick in a glass of red wine, the wine goes right up your pee hole. And it really stings. A lot.’
## Melissa Todd and Her Client’s Fetish for Cheese
Melissa Todd is a sex worker and dominatrix. As someone who’s been in the business for nearly 30 years, she shares a deep dive into the psychology of what her clients really want when they call for her services in her fortnightly column with Metro. In the latest instalment of On Call, Melissa shares her encounter with Cheese Man.
> ‘I call him Cheese Man, because he likes me to watch him masturbate on blocks of cheese. The first time, I overcharged him terribly (£50 for a five minute Whatsapp call), as I thought it might take him ages to cum,’ Melissa writes. ‘I set up a book, a laptop and a glass of wine out of his eye line, so I wouldn’t get bored staring at his stiffy/cheddar combo, the thought of which I found less thrilling than he might hope. In fact, he came in about 90 seconds.’
## Threesomes
Threesomes are actually one of the most common fantasies around, with the allure of that third party proving to be pretty tempting. In fact, The Kinsey Institute found that a whopping 95% of men and 87% of women have fantasised about sex with more than one person.
But, this dynamic isn’t on the table for everyone, like Redditor @Touristupdatenola. He wrote:
> ‘Threesomes. If I wanted to disappoint two people simultaneously, I’d have dinner with both my parents.’
Others found that adding a third into an existing pair was also tricky.
> ‘No matter who is in the position of power (mmf and you’re the female or ffm and you’re the male) someone’s feelings are getting hurt no matter how secure, open and unattached you think you are,’ wrote @Final-Form-7177.
@tonyMEGAphone sums it up succinctly:
> ‘Threesomes are definitely not as fun as they sound. It’s really hard to get everyone on the same page and someone always catches feelings or thinks the situation went differently than it actually did.’
## How to Try Out a New Kink or Fantasy
It’s important to remember that if your sexual fantasy was mentioned here, it doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. It’s important to recognize your limits and vulnerabilities, and decide what will work for you. And, if you want to embark on a new kink, open communication with your partner is vital.
Jessica Alderton, a dating expert and founder of dating app So Syncd, says:
> ‘Depending on the kink, it can be a good idea to take one step at a time when it comes to trying new sexual experiences with your partner.’ Start by asking your partner if they’re open to trying something on the ‘lighter side of the spectrum’ to see if you both enjoy it. If they do enjoy it, you can progress from there. ‘Some people are cautious when it comes to trying new things and this can be a great way of enabling you both to explore kinks in a way that doesn’t feel scary or overwhelming,’ she adds.
So, before you dive headfirst into that wild fantasy, consider the potential pitfalls. But, if you and your partner are both on board, open communication and a bit of adventurous spirit can lead to an exciting and fulfilling experience.
