Living in an open relationship, I had always assumed that the concept of cheating no longer applied. When we were monogamous, the boundaries were clear: no sleeping with others. Flirting and porn were acceptable, but sleeping with others was strictly prohibited. However, now that we had embraced openness, we not only slept with other people but also formed long-term sexual connections, openly sharing our experiences. We had worked diligently to create a flexible and loving environment that surpassed our previous version of monogamy. Sex, once a potential source of conflict, had become a priority and a symbol of our freedom to explore our desires. Thus, the idea of cheating seemed virtually nonexistent.
Yet, here we were, in the aftermath of a Saturday night out, and my partner’s eyes were filled with tears as he expressed that he felt cheated on. The reason? I had unknowingly engaged in what could be described as a ‘sexy betrayal.’ While not physically cheating, I had neglected to consider his feelings when engaging in an intimate encounter with someone else. I had prioritized my own pleasure over the agreement we had made to maintain the sanctity of our bed.
In retrospect, I realized that our open relationship had a fundamental rule: no sleeping with someone else in our bed. This rule had been established early on to protect us both. The scent of another person’s cologne lingering on our pillows had triggered unexpected feelings of sadness. Thus, we had agreed to respect this boundary.
However, as time passed and our relationships evolved, we had discussed potentially revising this rule. But I had acted prematurely, without fully considering the consequences. My partner rightfully reminded me that just because we had floated the idea of a change, I was not at liberty to act on it unilaterally. His anger stemmed not from the fact that I had slept with someone else but from the fact that I had disregarded his agency over a decision that ultimately protected both of us.
In monogamy, the protective measure is the avoidance of sexual encounters with others. In our open relationship, our one rule served the same purpose. It represented the outer limits of our trust, a small but essential foundation acknowledging that amidst the freedom we enjoyed, this aspect of our relationship remained sacred.
I acknowledged that I had prioritized my own desires over his feelings. I expressed remorse and guilt, but I also felt surprised that he had used the term ‘cheating.’ However, upon reflection, I recognize that cheating is not limited to physical acts. It involves depriving the other person of choice, knowledge, or the opportunity to address a situation. It is a violation of trust that undermines the foundation of any relationship, regardless of its structure.
Despite the initial conflict, I remain optimistic about the future of our relationship. We both value growth and reassessment, and this incident has provided an opportunity to strengthen our boundaries. While our bedroom remains a sacred space, it is the agreement we share that is truly sacred, whatever form it may take.
