While romantic breakups undoubtedly suck, there’s no denying one small silver lining: There are some generally accepted social scripts and rituals for dealing with heartbreak. You’ve got sad love songs to cry to, for example, bookstore shelves full of self-help guides by relationship experts, and comforting advice and words of encouragement from loved ones. Sure, it’s rarely as simple as mourning in bed with a box of chocolates Elle Woods-style, but at least there’s a cultural precedent for what a breakup looks like and ways you might get through it.
A friendship breakup, on the other hand? Not so much. There aren’t many established ways to end a friendship, let alone stumble through the aftermath, so we’re often left to navigate the pain alone. To make it worse, people don’t always understand how devastating losing a close pal can be, which means your feelings might not get the acknowledgement they deserve—or worse, get brushed off entirely.
One thing’s for sure, though: Those of us who have experienced the end of a good friendship know exactly how gut-wrenching it can be. So for anyone out there who’s currently nursing a platonically broken heart, we asked people who’ve been there, too, for their best advice. Whether they survived an official friends breakup, getting ghosted or something in between, here’s what helped them heal and move forward.
1. Feeling your feelings—especially the negative ones
“I honestly gave myself permission just to be a little petty and even hate them. Which isn’t to say I still harbour those negative feelings now. If anything, I hope they’re happy and enjoying their life, but at the time, allowing some negativity toward them helped me create distance and understand that, y’know, maybe I don’t need this person as much as I thought.” — Alvin P.
2. Writing through it
“I listed out how the end of the friendship happened, how those events made me feel and the explicit reasons I was angry, hurt and upset. Writing everything out helped me process and work through what I was feeling, and it also gave me a record for my future self to remember what went down.” — Sofia D.
3. Leaning into all the self-care
“Through lots of reflection, bubble baths, walks in nature and binge-watching videos about self-care and narcissism on YouTube, I stopped taking her actions personally. I also spent time healing my inner child with retail therapy —buying things and experiences that I could never afford as a kid.” — Carmen T.
4. Listening to breakup playlists
“There are some good friend breakup anthems if you go looking for them. But even if you can’t find any that speak to you, I’ve found that a lot of romantic songs can do the trick—that’s what got me through the end of my relationship with my childhood best friend. (Pretty much all of Lorde’s Melodrama, specifically, if you’re looking for ideas.)” — Phoebe G.
5. Leaning into other supportive relationships
“Most of what I did was focus on other relationships. What was crucial to my ability to not be crushed by the breakup was talking through the fight with other friends, who supported me and assured me I wasn’t the terrible person I feel like I am when I argue with someone.” — Ruthie D.
6. Focusing on other things that fulfil you
“My therapist at the time gave me the advice to concentrate on my other friendships, and the embarrassing thing was…well, I didn’t really have many. At least not any as close as the one that ended. So instead I concentrated on myself—threw myself into my job, picked up a new hobby and practised being a good friend to myself. Other fulfilling relationships eventually followed but not for a while. I had to be there for myself first.” — Aimee J.
7. Protecting your social media peace
“There was crying, therapy and muting on Instagram to set a soft boundary. Very much like a romantic breakup.” — Emily G.
8. Staying busy
“Luckily, the friendship breakup happened right as we were graduating from college and about to be living in different cities so I didn’t have to worry I’d see her every day. I got through it the way I got through my post-graduation depression: lots of activities and distractions.” — Ruthie D.
9. Paying attention to their current—not past—behaviour
“My friend breakup happened with someone I met at work. Honestly, the thing that helped me move on the most was experiencing how she ghosted me in a professional capacity to the point it was making it harder to do my job, even if I tried to be a kind, responsive coworker to her. This helped me reframe the loss of our friendship because it made me realise the lack of emotional maturity that was there—that this person cared so little for me that they didn’t even want to put up a façade at work to make both of our professional lives easier. It hit me that I don’t want to be friends with someone who would choose to be that cold.” — Emily G.
10. Making new friends
“I purposefully, and maybe somewhat pettily, sought out new friends who were extremely different from the one who had unceremoniously exited my life. Like, almost exact opposites. She always ‘jokingly’ teased me for being her nerdiest friend, so I joined a book club and found a local Dungeons & Dragons campaign. It reminded me that we were never the most compatible in the first place.” — Phoebe G.
11. Treating it like a romantic breakup
“I leaned into making it a whole thing—wallowing, watching movies about BFFs to hurt my own feelings, that kind of stuff. I was also honest with people. How am I doing? Bad because a really important friendship just ended, thanks for asking. If they didn’t ‘get it,’ so what?” — Amanda K.
12. Letting go of “closure” as a concept
“I spent so much time wondering why our friendship ended, and it took me a while to realise I was never going to get any real, satisfying answers. That ultimately made it easier to feel my feelings without trying to rationalise or math them out.” — Alvin P.
13. Reminding yourself you deserved better
“I had a really hard time moving past a friendship that ended with zero closure. I thought things were good between us and then…poof. This person never talked to me again. I followed up a few times and got really in my head about what I did wrong. The toughest part was that this person had never mistreated me—I considered them a wonderful friend, so I couldn’t exactly say I was better off without them. But what finally clicked for me (shoutout to my therapist) was that no matter how good the friendship was at the time, I still deserved better than not getting a real goodbye.” — Austin R.
This article first appeared on self.com
Also read: How to deal with a mean friend who won’t stop belittling you
6 tips to deal with being the only single friend in your group
Boyfriend sickness claimed my best friend. Then she was cured and returned to me.
