As an anthropologist, professor, researcher, writer, and most importantly, as a woman aging for over 30 years, I’ve been consumed by a single obsession: can we truly find freedom and happiness in our maturity and build a beautiful old age? This obsession was born from observing the deep-rooted fear of aging that women face from a young age, the social invisibility they experience, the decline of their bodies, and the lack of freedom they encounter.
In my research, encompassing over 5,000 women and men aged 18 to 99, I asked, “What do you most envy in a woman?” The answer, consistently, was their bodies, beauty, youth, thinness, and sensuality. However, when asked what they envied most in men, women responded unequivocally: “freedom.” Conversely, when men were asked what they envied most in women, the resounding answer was simply: “nothing.”
As I highlighted in my TEDx talk, “The Invention of a Beautiful Old Age”, which has garnered over 1.3 million views on YouTube, my anthropological research revealed a U-shaped happiness curve. Around the age of 45, many women shared a similar sentiment: “I feel invisible. I feel devalued, disposable, transparent. It’s not that I’ve gotten older, but that I’ve simply stopped being a woman. I’m in the phase of ‘Can I?’ Can I wear a bikini, or have long hair like I always have? I’m a neither-nor woman, neither young nor old. I’m afraid of being called a ridiculous old woman.” These women felt exhausted, burdened by the constant caretaking of their families and work – children, husbands, parents, friends – with little time for themselves. They lamented the challenges of menopause: insomnia, irritability, hot flashes, headaches, body aches, weight gain, anxiety, sadness, vaginal dryness, decreased libido, dry skin, hair loss, and other ailments. When I inquired, “Who ages better: men or women?” Both genders replied, “Men”, as they are held to lower societal standards regarding physical appearance and responsibilities for the home and family. Only one group disagreed with this statement: women over 50 and 60. They asserted that they aged better because they took better care of themselves from a young age: regular doctor visits, dermatologists, higher energy levels, a greater joy for life, and a stronger network of friends throughout their lives. This is a beautiful old age.
After the age of 50, the happiness curve begins to rise, and the women I interviewed affirmed: “I’ve never been so free and happy, it’s the best time of my entire life. It’s the first time in my life that I can be myself. It’s a true revolution.” This is what I’ve termed the revolution of beautiful aging or the liberation of gray hair. Many women, who previously harbored a fear of aging, began to see the beauty in maturity and learned to embrace freedom and courage to age as their authentic selves. They even expressed regret: “Why did it take me so long to discover that freedom is the best rhyme for happiness in maturity?”
Since October 1st, 2021, I’ve been conducting postdoctoral research in social psychology on aging, autonomy, and happiness. I’ve interviewed over 100 women aged 50 and above. They proudly state their age, believe they are in the prime of their love and professional lives, and adore their perfectly imperfect bodies. Perfectly imperfect is accepting and loving our bodies as they inevitably transform with time. It’s seeing the beauty in our own maturity, in old age, and not being overly concerned with the gaze, opinions, and judgments of others. It’s battling prejudices, stigmas, insecurities, guilt, and shame of aging daily, both within and outside our homes, in a culture that excessively values youth.
Through over three decades of research, I’ve discovered that the worst poisons for happiness in maturity are the three Cs: comparison, guilt, and pressure. However, in the testimonies of the women I’ve interviewed, five essential As emerged for a beautiful old age: autonomy, authenticity, friendship, love, learning, and joy for life.
As I tirelessly seek the paths to my own beautiful old age, I was delighted when Boticário invited me to write a column for Vogue on the topic of “aging is natural: celebrating each phase of life,” emphasizing how women can embrace maturity with pride and courage to challenge ageism. The Botik line from Boticário, a facial care brand made 100% for Brazilian skin, aims to show women of all ages that their peak is today and that we can be, in all phases of our lives, the best and most beautiful versions of ourselves.
