It was a casual encounter, nothing fancy. I felt insecure about my body, so I quickly put my clothes back on after sex. As I bent to grab my top, my eyes fell upon a discarded condom in the bin. A chill ran down my spine. Had my boyfriend removed the condom without my knowledge? The thought was terrifying, but I couldn’t bring myself to question him. I knew his reaction – another one-sided argument about my ‘commitment and trust issues’ – and I couldn’t bear the tears that would inevitably follow. So, I did the only thing I could think of: I searched online for a pharmacy offering emergency contraception, just in case. Then, I deleted my browsing history before flushing the toilet, hoping to erase any trace of my fear and uncertainty.
Later, I discovered that what my boyfriend had done was called ‘stealthing’ – the non-consensual removal of a condom during sex. It was a shocking revelation. Not only was it a betrayal of trust, but I learned that in England and Wales, stealthing is considered rape. But even more shocking was a recent study that revealed around 1 in 10 young adults between 18 and 25 either didn’t know or didn’t believe that removing a condom without consent was a crime.
My relationship with my ex was a whirlwind. We met online, a seven-year age gap separating us. He was charming, funny, and everything I was drawn to. Things escalated quickly. He declared his love for me less than a month in, and although I felt overwhelmed, I eventually grew comfortable with him. However, that comfort was soon overshadowed by a growing pattern of disrespect. He started getting rougher during sex, ignoring my boundaries about oral sex and forcing anal sex on me. I never told anyone, not even my family, about these incidents. I felt ashamed, and I convinced myself it was all part of figuring out our sexual compatibility. But the disrespect didn’t end there. He began to physically hurt me, claiming it was all in good fun. He’d bite my arm, pinch me hard, and even ghosted me for a week when I tried to have a serious conversation about his behavior. When he ended our relationship, he blamed me for bringing up his actions, calling it ‘unfair.’
It was only after the break-up that he finally admitted to removing the condom during sex, not just that last time but multiple times before. I felt violated, betrayed, and discarded. It was then I learned the term ‘stealthing’ while browsing a forum, encountering a woman with a similar experience. She described it as ‘stealthing,’ and my heart sank. It was a revelation, a name for the act that had so deeply affected me.
The Sexual Offences Act 2003 clearly states that someone did not consent if they were tricked about the ‘nature’ of the sex. Stealing consent through the removal of a condom is a violation of that law. It is rape.
Despite the clear legal definition, there have been only two successful convictions in the UK for stealthing, one in England in 2019, and another in Scotland in 2023. This lack of awareness and prosecution is deeply concerning. The study I mentioned found that most survey respondents (99%) considered non-consensual condom removal wrong, but only a small percentage classed it as a crime.
My journey to understand what happened to me has been long and painful. I felt stupid, angry, and isolated. I struggled to find the courage to even utter the word ‘rape,’ let alone seek support.
Sharing my story is not easy. It requires confronting painful memories and overcoming a deep-seated sense of shame. But I do it because I want to shed light on this silent epidemic. Stealthing is not a harmless act. It is a serious form of sexual assault that can have devastating consequences. It is not a ‘dating buzzword’ or a game. It is rape.
We need to talk about stealthing. We need to educate young people about the importance of genuine consent, and not just a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ We need to challenge the toxic attitudes and behaviors that allow men to believe they can remove a condom without consent. We need to recognize this crime for what it is: a violation of trust, a violation of bodily autonomy, and a violation of the law.
