There are moments of adulthood that seem inevitable. Getting your driving licence and immediately going to a McDonald’s Drive Thru. The 18th birthday rager and the earned next day coma. And of course the more refined 30th soiree that results in a somehow worse hangover. Then, there are the moments that you never would imagine happening to you – like the day I had a threesome in a sex shop with two total strangers.
I went into an ‘adult’ shop (in an undisclosed UK city) on an unremarkable Wednesday afternoon. I’d gone in, not to marvel and snicker at the dildos and porn titles as I would in my younger days, but to genuinely peruse the goods. Previously, I’d always been a little reticent to build my own sexual arsenal. It seemed like a faff, a bit expensive, and – depending on how much you commit – a real storage issue. But my curiosity to try new things had recently been sparked by a much more adventurous friend, who’d shown me the comprehensive box of toys under his bed. From butt plugs to cock cages to the girthiest dildos, he was truly exploring the depths of himself – and I suddenly felt very vanilla by comparison.
It was a quiet day in the sex shop so I started chatting to the guy behind the till while thumbing through jockstraps. He had sweet eyes, a cheeky smile and a blue streak in his hair that made him look like an X-Men character (in this case, triple-X). The conversation soon turned flirtatious and he asked: ‘Do you want to try that on?’ I considered the jockstrap I was holding, then glanced around for a non-existent changing room. ‘Where?’ I asked, perplexed. With a mischievous look on his face, the sales assistant moved a rack of merchandise aside to reveal a hidden door behind the wall. It was one of those moments that’s so bizarre you just go with it, no further questions. So I closed the door of what appeared to be a stock cupboard behind me and started stripping. By this point, I’d got a sense of where this was leading and my excitement was palpable. While I was no stranger to hookups, this was something new.
Unfortunately, just as I reached full birthday suit, I heard the shop door clang open and a couple of customers come in. Triple-X started chatting to them, and I waited, naked, a shelf of Boy Butter lubricant looming over me, unsure of what to do. As the conversation wore on, and more people entered the shop, I felt increasingly awkward. Eventually, I gave up on what could have been, put my clothes back on, and slid out of the secret door in the least conspicuous manner I could muster. Approaching the till, I smiled sheepishly at Triple-X, paid for the underwear and left. I felt a tinge of disappointment as I walked away, but a few minutes later my phone pinged. A message on Grindr: ‘I thought you were going to let me see you in it’. Thank God for distance-based hookup apps! ‘Is the shop empty?,’ I replied quickly. ‘Yes’, came the response.
We didn’t waste time with pretence when I returned, immediately kissing, his hands finding their way down my body. I asked him to lock the door, but he told me the owner was due to visit at some point so he couldn’t (it was a funny line to draw, considering if the owner had walked in at that moment he would have seen his employee groping a customer). Instead, he led me round a corner into the DVD part of the shop, out of view of the entrance. As we began to undress, the front door clanged once more, and he frantically pulled his trousers up and ran to greet the latest punter. Meanwhile, I stared at a DVD cover of two men in suits caressing each other, jealous that their office-based tryst seemed to be going off without a hitch. The new customer joined me in the DVD section, meandering through the sizeable library. And then I became aware that he seemed to be eyeing me instead. I was checking to see if my clothes were dishevelled, therefore giving me away, when Triple-X reappeared. ‘Ok, I’ve locked the door’, he said. I stared back with confusion: ‘What?.’ I whispered. ‘But this guy’s still here.’ He winked. ‘I know’. A moment later, the new arrival flanked my other side. I had a decision to make – so I pulled the stranger toward me and kissed him. The undressing began once more. It wasn’t lost on me that in front of all these DVD’s, I was engaging in what felt like a porn script of my very own. Like many of those films, the scene lasted roughly 20 minutes, was brightly lit, and I never learnt either of the men’s real names. Despite all of that, it was spontaneous and fun, and I’d do it again.
It was never clarified why a threesome justified locking the door, but a one-on-one hookup didn’t – though I doubt any of us were thinking with our brains. As I reflect back on it, I recognise another life moment arrived at that day – learning the importance of supporting local, independent businesses, any way you can!
