For many, the idea of attending a sex party conjures images of anonymous hookups, dimly lit venues, and perhaps some BDSM. But for a growing number of people, these parties are also a place where unexpected friendships blossom, transcending the realm of kinky encounters. I can attest to this firsthand, having forged several strong friendships within the back rooms of warehouse play parties.
My first solo foray into the world of sex parties was in the summer of 2022. I was apprehensive, fearing I might end up a lonely observer amidst an orgy. I had previously attended a few parties with friends and had made connections with some regulars, hoping they might be at this particular event. However, upon arriving, I realized I didn’t know anyone and felt lost. Luckily, I spotted a familiar face in the crowd – someone I followed on Instagram but had never met in person – also exploring the venue alone. I mustered my courage and approached them on the dance floor. We spent time chatting and dancing, exploring the party together. Despite my new friend having to leave early, we hit it off so well that we promised to stay in touch. Now, we chat regularly on Instagram, share queer memes, and keep each other updated on our lives. When we happen to be in the same city, we make sure to meet up and continue the fun where we left off.
Leanne Yau, a polyamory educator and trainee sex therapist, has also discovered the unexpected power of friendship within sex parties. She forged strong bonds at the now-defunct London play party Crossbreed, particularly after a memorable 14-person orgy. ‘We were basically just a big pile on the floor,’ she laughs, recalling the event to Metro. After cleaning up and putting their clothes back on, Leanne, 26, approached several of her orgy-peers in the bar to exchange contact information. ‘I enjoy asking people for their name after we’ve just had nasty sex,’ she admits. From that encounter, a friendship blossomed between Leanne and four others. Recently, she met up with one of the couples at Brighton Pride, where she met their newborn baby and helped them ‘celebrate them becoming queer, polyamorous parents.’ ‘We live in different cities, but we enjoy getting together to try out new parties,’ Leanne explains. ‘As we’re all non-monogamous a big part of our friendship is discussing who we’re dating and our relationships, as well as just talking about polyamory in general.’
Emma Sayle, founder of the play positive get-togethers, Killing Kittens, emphasizes that ‘Sex parties aren’t just about sex.’ She tells Metro, ‘At their core, they’re about community, trust, and friendship with like-minded people.’ While many do attend events like Killing Kittens for the erotic aspects, forming platonic connections is a significant draw.
‘When run safely and respectfully, sex parties can provide an atmosphere where you feel free to be your authentic self without fear of judgment or stigma,’ explains kink-aware therapist Amy Sutton. ‘A safe space and supportive community to discover your sexual self and your social self, surrounded by others who share your values.’ As Amy points out, humans have an inherent need for connection. Anything that regularly brings people together through a shared interest, whether it’s a love of running or a penchant for being tied up and spanked, can foster platonic intimacy.
It’s perhaps no coincidence that the rise in sex parties coincided with the end of the pandemic, a time when people were eager to reconnect in the real world, away from computer screens. The post-pandemic period has seen the highest reported levels of loneliness, with over 7% of young people saying they often or always feel lonely between 2022-2023. In response, more individuals may be seeking out community and connection.
It was this kind of connection that appealed to Lou, 34, who was introduced to sex parties by friends after coming out as bisexual. Now a regular play party attendee and organizer within the London kink and polyamory scene, Lou explains, ‘What I like about those spaces is that you can just chat to anybody without them thinking you’re weird. The social norm is that you can just say hi to anybody. I almost treat those parties like a community center.’ Lou has built a close network of friends through these parties, finding common ground in shared experiences of marginalization. This shared understanding often leads to the creation of support groups and networks. In fact, play parties have become so central to Lou and her friends’ lives that the community came together a few months ago to mourn the death of a regular by organizing a vigil.
Lou encourages anyone who’s curious but nervous about attending a sex party alone to look for pre-drinks or mixers beforehand. These events, sometimes organized by the party itself or unofficially in nearby venues, allow both regulars and newcomers to connect before heading to the main event.
Leanne emphasizes that sex parties also offer a unique opportunity for people to open up in ways that might not be possible in other social settings. ‘I tend to spend most of my time in the smoking area meeting people and having interesting conversations,’ she explains. ‘But because people have their bits out, there tends to be more openness and vulnerability than at other events.’
My own experience mirrored this. After a friend left for the night, I found myself perched on a wall in the smoking area, bathed in sunshine, as the crowd moved around me. People readily stopped to chat about the play scene, and our willingness to be so open with each other fostered even deeper friendships. Now, one of my main reasons for attending play parties or non-sexual meetups called ‘munches’ is to catch up with friends I’ve made through the scene. If I also meet someone to play with, well, that’s just a bonus.
Sex parties are offering a surprising and heartwarming twist on the traditional idea of social gatherings. They provide a space for people to explore their sexualities, connect with like-minded individuals, and forge unexpected, long-lasting friendships, ultimately proving that connection and community can blossom in the most unexpected places.
