In the realm of partnerships, it’s not uncommon to encounter hurdles and anxieties. We grapple with diverging values, traditional family expectations, and sometimes, even minor misunderstandings can lead us astray from the essence of a free and fulfilling partnership. Amidst these complexities, the authentic narratives of couples navigating diverse partnerships offer valuable insights and empower us to shed unnecessary burdens and move forward with confidence. This installment of our series features Bunta and Jaryd, a couple brimming with laughter and love. They became engaged this year and are planning to get married in Jaryd’s home country of New Zealand. In the first part of this story, we delve into their unique confession, resembling a proposal, and the foundation of their open communication. The second part explores their decision to get married, their evolving thoughts on human rights in Japan, and much more.
Back to the Closet: A Tale of Sexuality and Liberation
To begin, let’s hear a bit about your respective backgrounds.
Jaryd:
I hail from New Zealand and moved to Japan in November 2020 during the pandemic. My encounter with the Japanese language dates back to high school. I intended to study French, but the only options available were Spanish and Japanese (laughs). However, as I delved into Japanese, I consistently topped my class each year! When contemplating my university major, my then-teacher suggested, “You excel in Japanese, why not leverage that?” I eventually pursued a degree in Japanese and International Relations. But after graduation, I wasn’t using Japanese at all, and I felt a deep sense of unease, questioning why I wasn’t living in Japan. Then, amidst the pandemic, I resolved to take a leap of faith and pursue my long-held desire to relocate.Bunta:
I work in PR and communications and recently transitioned from the fashion industry to a jewelry brand. I’m originally from Yamaguchi Prefecture, but when I moved to Tokyo after graduation, I was genuinely surprised by how welcoming it was for LGBTQ+ individuals. It was a positive culture shock, in a good way! I believe that if you don’t have people like that around you, you might miss out on certain realities. In my previous role, I spoke at inclusion and diversity events and am eager to continue advocating for these causes whenever the opportunity arises.V:
What specific experiences led to this positive culture shock?Bunta:
In high school, I vaguely realized I was gay, but I couldn’t share it with anyone. I was apprehensive, worried that even with close friends, revealing my truth might lead to misunderstandings and make me feel unwelcome. A particular moment that really struck me was during a conversation with my high school clubmates. The topic of “gay people” came up, and the general sentiment was, “If they exist, it’s unsettling.” That’s when my mental shutters came down. From then on, I harbored a vague hope for a more accepting environment in the city and moved to Tokyo after university. Fortunately, I found a workplace that provided an inclusive environment, devoid of any barriers. I was able to disclose my sexuality almost immediately upon joining the company. My colleagues, without hesitation, inquired, “Do you have a partner?” or “Are you dating someone?” (laughs). It was a revelation to be accepted as I am, for everyone to acknowledge my sexuality as a natural part of who I am. The joy I experienced when I got engaged, with my colleagues celebrating it, was truly heartwarming.Jaryd:
Besides a congratulatory banner, they even prepared a marriage certificate for us, crossing out “wife” and writing in “husband.” It was so delightful and thoughtful.V:
Jaryd, what surprised you upon moving to Japan?Jaryd:
I initially worked as an English teacher at a private all-boys school. Unlike Bunta’s experience, I couldn’t openly disclose my sexuality at work, which resulted in a cultural shock for me. In New Zealand, same-sex marriage is legal, and being open about your sexuality is the norm. But at this Japanese school, homophobia existed among students, and I felt it was best to avoid discussing the topic. Spending a significant portion of your day at work in an environment like that creates a sense of discomfort, making it feel like you’re going back into the “closet” – a metaphorical term for not publicly revealing your sexual orientation. However, I changed jobs about a year ago, joining a company that provides live entertainment. I was determined to no longer live in a state of hiding. During my job interviews, I made a conscious effort to use the term “boyfriend.” After all, sexuality is a fundamental aspect of who we are.A Confession with Laughter: A Real-Deal Confession
V:
Tell us about how you two met.Jaryd:
Through a dating app. It was during the pandemic, and when I arrived in Japan from New Zealand, I had to undergo a two-week quarantine period. I was incredibly bored. So, I decided to try something new, registering on the app with a faint hope of connecting with someone after quarantine. That’s how I matched with Bunta, and we began having fun conversations. We finally met in person the following January, and it was an instant connection.V:
What were your first impressions of each other?Bunta:
I found Jaryd to be charming. He had this adorable personality, and we shared similar musical tastes. I felt a sense of comfort with him.Jaryd:
Bunta was genuinely kind, funny, and a bit shy. It’s hard to describe, but he was just amazing. Even his shyness was endearing, and I was eager to learn more about him. Initially, neither of us thought about a romantic relationship, but as we spent more time together, a new feeling emerged – a desire to spend even more time together.Bunta:
I still laugh every time I think about the day we started dating! It was about two months into our dating. I went to Jaryd’s place, and he was dressed in a suit with a tie, candles and flowers set up, and he’d prepared dinner. What was with this proposal-like situation? (laughs) It turns out my friend told Jaryd that “in Japan, you need to formally confess your feelings.” He took that advice seriously and used this proposal-like format to ask me out.Jaryd:
I’m so embarrassed! In New Zealand, relationships usually develop organically, not with a formal confession. But since there’s a Japanese tradition, I thought I should follow it. So, I told him, “I like you. Will you go out with me?”Bunta:
We were already going on dates at least once a week, and I was really comfortable with him. I was open to the idea of a relationship and was genuinely happy. It was cute and really funny, like something out of a manga. He was all dressed up in a suit with a rose. More than heartwarming, it was hilarious!Jaryd:
One of the wonderful things about being with Bunta is that we laugh together constantly and have so much fun!Navigating Property Search: Finding a Warm Community
V:
Did you start living together right away?Bunta:
About six months into our relationship, I moved into Jaryd’s place. But not long after, there was a massive leak from the ceiling directly above the bedroom, rendering it uninhabitable.Jaryd:
We started looking for a new place, but it was incredibly difficult. We frequently encountered questions like, “Why do you want to live together?” or “Are you friends, or are you ‘homo-friends’?” Being honest about our situation often resulted in dead ends.Bunta:
We weren’t sure if we were being rejected because of our nationalities or because we were LGBTQ+. But we knew we had to be upfront with the real estate agents from the start.Jaryd:
So, we decided to be completely transparent. We told the agents, “We’re a gay couple, I’m a foreigner, and he’s Japanese. We’re looking for this type of property.” Then, they showed us a property that hadn’t been listed yet. To be sure, we asked if it was okay with the owner that we were a same-sex couple, and he simply asked, “What’s the problem?” He readily accepted us. We looked at the place and decided on the spot. Being able to secure a property after clearing the sexuality hurdle made us feel empowered to embrace our true selves openly in this neighborhood. As a result, we found the Ookayama community to be incredible. Everyone is so kind, and in two years, we’ve made a lot of friends. They even threw a party when we got engaged.Bunta:
We thought Tokyo wouldn’t have much of a sense of community, but there’s a small neighborhood community here that has been a great support system. I feel so lucky to have moved to a place where I can walk down the street and encounter friends every day. It gives me a sense of security.Misunderstandings Be Gone: A Relationship That Avoids Arguments
V:
Do you ever argue when you live together?Jaryd:
We don’t. It’s true that living together for an extended period might lead to some annoyances. But in our case, we address those issues right away. Most of the time, we find that we’ve simply misunderstood each other. When we realize it wasn’t intentional, we resolve it. We often say, “Let’s just let it go.”Bunta:
Since English is not my native language, I sometimes misinterpret things. Once I understand correctly, there’s no reason to fight.Jaryd:
I think a positive aspect of our international relationship is that we don’t harbor any suspicions about each other. If there’s a misunderstanding, we don’t assume it’s intentional. We simply acknowledge that it was a communication breakdown.V:
What do you think makes it easy for you to talk to each other?Bunta:
When we first started living together, there were some things I struggled to express. For example, the cramped living space and loss of my personal space, and the shift in how I experienced time, brought up a lot of internal conflict. One day, I mustered the courage to say, “Maybe living together isn’t working.” Jaryd’s reaction was completely different from what I expected. Instead of getting angry or asking if I wanted to break up, he looked so sad and said, “Why did you keep it all bottled up? You could have told me.” After that, I learned to communicate everything without holding anything back.Jaryd:
I think growing up in a family where I could openly express my feelings might be the foundation for that. I say “I love you” countless times a day. Photos: Daiki Tateyama, courtesy of Bunta & Jaryd
Text&Interview: Mina Oba
Editor: Mayumi Numao
>>Stay tuned for Part 2, coming August 14th!
>>Access the archives of “Our Partnership” series here.
