It’s a strange thing, dating after only having one relationship. You might think it would be simple – just a matter of getting back into the swing of things. But it’s not. It’s a world of its own, filled with unique challenges and complexities. And sometimes, it feels like your past is used against you, judged and questioned in ways that feel completely unfair.
I learned this firsthand when I was on a dating app, talking to a guy named Steve. I told him I’d only ever been in one relationship, and his response was, ‘Virgin.’ He didn’t believe me, questioned my honesty, and even asked for proof. His disbelief and dismissive language left me in tears, not because I was sad, but because I was exhausted. It felt like society had a problem with people who lacked dating experience.
My own story has added layers of complexity to this already challenging situation. When I was 16, I was sexually assaulted. The aftermath left me with repressed trauma, making the idea of being with someone else terrifying. I didn’t actively seek out relationships. However, life, as it often does, threw a curveball. At 16, I met a guy named Sam. He was charming, made me smile, and, despite everything I was dealing with, I found myself drawn to him. I had a crush, but I never admitted it.
It wasn’t until I became a young adult and saw everyone around me dating that I realized my approach to relationships wasn’t the norm. So, I joined dating apps, hoping to move forward. But I struggled. The idea of meeting a stranger felt like a huge risk, a potential repeat of the trauma that had shaken me.
Then, in September 2022, I saw Sam on Tinder. My heart skipped a beat. I knew I had to swipe right. Our courtship was a slow dance. I told him about the assault and my lack of relationship experience. He was understanding, but I was battling PTSD. Even simple text conversations were overwhelming. My therapist suggested it was my body’s way of coping with repressed trauma. I felt numb and exhausted, like my positive emotions had been switched off. So, Sam and I agreed to take things slowly. I wanted to feel something for him before exploring intimacy. We didn’t kiss for weeks, and he was patient and supportive.
By the time he asked me out officially in October, I felt ready. I was confident I could manage my internal struggles because I knew I wanted to be with him. Sam became my first boyfriend. It was a mix of anxiety and excitement. It was uncharted territory, but I knew I’d be okay because I had Sam.
But then, in February, after four months of dating, Sam broke up with me. I was shocked. He said he couldn’t see a future with me, that he had reached the end of being my boyfriend. My world shattered. It was my first heartbreak, and it was brutal. Friends tried to comfort me, saying things like, ‘it’ll get easier’ and ‘the first breakup is always the worst.’ But at the time, it didn’t help. Eventually, they were right. Time softened the blow. We’ve messaged almost every day for over a year now, and we call each other best friends. I can’t explain it, but it works. I learned a lot from this experience, and I truly believe it healed me.
After the breakup, I decided to try dating again. In June, I matched with Steve. Initially, things felt good. Within a week, we were laughing, and I felt comfortable opening up about my past. He seemed supportive, even saying we’d work through it together. But my trauma lingered, and the thought of meeting him in person was overwhelming. I tried to take control by suggesting we start with a walk, but his messages shifted. He became focused on sexual attraction, asking about my sexual history and suggesting we do things in his car. I politely declined. I knew I wouldn’t even be able to hold his hand or hug him, let alone anything more.
Eventually, after refusing to send him intimate photos, he changed completely. He called me a virgin, said he didn’t believe I’d had sex. It felt like my progress, my growth, my journey wasn’t important. I couldn’t understand why, after I opened up, he would dismiss my past. Why was it an issue that I’d only been with one person? Why didn’t he believe me?
It felt insulting. After crying and talking to my sister, I blocked his number. Unfortunately, Steve wasn’t the only one. Another guy told me he didn’t want to continue because he feared I’d constantly compare him to Sam. Someone else worried sexual intimacy would be difficult because I’d compare it to my one relationship. If my relationship history was different, these issues wouldn’t even arise. The double standard is mind-boggling.
Steve’s behavior had a significant impact on me. But I remind myself that it happened before I developed strong feelings for him. It was a lucky escape.
At 26, I sometimes feel behind when it comes to dating, relationships, and love. But navigating the dating world after only being in one relationship is tough enough. We shouldn’t be judged for being inexperienced. I need someone to listen, communicate, be kind. I need to remember, even though it’s hard to believe right now, that not all men will take issue with my past.
Dating after one relationship is a journey, and it’s important to remember that you are not alone. There are others out there who understand what you’re going through. Just be patient, kind to yourself, and keep believing that there’s someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are, past and present.