If I took a shot every time a man on Bumble claimed to be into “ethically non-monogamy,” I’d be in the hospital with alcohol poisoning (again). It seems many men use the term as a shield for bad behavior, claiming one person can’t fulfill all their needs while simultaneously expecting their partners to fulfill their emotional needs without the label or privileges of a girlfriend. Some friends have even been told they’re not intellectually stimulating enough for their partner’s needs, justifying an open relationship.
This “polyamorous f*ckboy” (usually a heterosexual man) latches onto the idea of polyamory without fully understanding its meaning. It allows him to appear progressive and liberal, using therapy-speak to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. To him, ethical non-monogamy means sleeping around without clear relationship labels, pressuring partners into accepting non-monogamy without genuine consent, and ignoring the work involved in healthy non-monogamous relationships.
For years, monogamy was the norm, reinforced by every Hollywood and Bollywood rom-com. The idea of polyamory felt revolutionary when it first emerged. If only those movie characters knew about polyamory! Wouldn’t Edward, Jacob, and Bella make more sense as a throuple? Similarly, Neha, Kunal, and Sameer in *Dostana* (2008) and Veronica, Gautam, and Meera in *Cocktail* (2012) could have avoided their love triangles.
Polyamory initially had a cool, unconventional, edgy appeal. The internet was flooded with articles about non-monogamy. However, it seems that trend is fading. A recent report by dating app Feeld surveyed 3,310 people across 71 countries and found that 81% of Gen Z fantasizes about monogamous relationships. In contrast, 75-80% of millennials, Gen X, and baby boomers fantasize about open relationships.
Furthermore, while millennials and Gen X favor ethical non-monogamy (24% and 27%) and baby boomers prefer friends with benefits (27%), Gen Z overwhelmingly prefers monogamy (23%). This skepticism surrounding non-monogamy is a recurring theme on social media. A popular 2021 tweet stated, “When you see two people in an open relationship, it’s like which one of you came up with the idea and which one of you cries to sleep every night.”
My friends and I have developed a knack for categorizing couples in open relationships, and the patterns are undeniable. Although I was once interested in trying an open relationship, the noticeable power imbalances in many have turned me off the idea. I understand that polyamory can be fulfilling when done right, but there are many who exploit the concept.
Horror stories on Reddit and TikTok depict partners threatening to leave if their significant others don’t agree to an open relationship, becoming jealous when their partners seek other connections, and completely disregarding their partner’s feelings. The misuse of the term non-monogamy has tarnished the reputation of a relationship structure that aims to dismantle colonial notions of love.
Instagram account @decolonizing.love seeks to rectify this issue. Millie Boella, educator and co-founder of the page, explains, “Many Gen Zers fantasize about monogamy because it’s still held up as the gold standard of stability in a world that feels very unstable right now. There’s comfort in the familiar. However, Gen Z often doesn’t see other representations of stability. Long-term polyamory isn’t widely modeled in society. So many young people haven’t had the opportunity to see it as a viable, fulfilling option.”
While the purpose of polyamory is to create a non-hierarchical structure where love doesn’t equate to possession, Gen Z’s experience of non-monogamy often reinforces existing power structures through unequal relationships, often tilted in favor of men and oppressive towards women.
Feeld offers another possible explanation for Gen Z’s preference for traditional partnerships. “Many younger adults have never even had a serious or committed relationship with one person, let alone several at the same time. In this light, it becomes easy to see how monogamy might hold a distinct appeal for this population.”
The grass is always greener on the other side. Millennials and Gen Xers, who primarily practiced monogamy, may be drawn to ethical non-monogamy due to its perceived excitement.
In the era of situationships and delusionships, I’ve never experienced a proper relationship. The ambiguity of my past romantic and sexual relationships has left me craving stability. Intimacy expert Aili Seghetti observes, “Non-monogamy is not as simple as it appears to be, and that complication increases with the number of partners. Maybe Gen Z has figured this out. In polyamorous relationships, a lot of time and energy is needed to process emotions. Monogamy also offers the kind of stability that non-monogamous relationships may not be able to provide in some contexts.”
One of my favorite Netflix anthologies, *Easy*, highlights the complexities of an open relationship. After years of marriage, a couple decides to explore non-monogamy. They undergo therapy sessions, discuss boundaries, and prepare thoroughly. Yet, it still creates friction, leading to jealousy, low self-esteem, and uncertainty. This show serves as a reminder, as Seghetti points out, that non-monogamous relationships are not just fun and games.
Feeld suggests that Gen Z’s preference for traditional relationships may be due to the digitalization of dating. This is reflected in the rise of movements like “trad wife” and “alpha male.” Feeld’s report elaborates, “There is a certain appeal to ‘how things used to be,’ in the sense that they just seemed simpler. As dating has moved into the digital world, it has only become more complex.”
I believe Gen Z is still figuring out their preferences. We are, after all, a young generation lacking the romantic experience of millennials and Gen Xers. Feeld’s report also notes that Gen Z views identity, sexuality, and gender as fluid, with ever-changing needs. Perhaps in a few years, a non-monogamous relationship will best meet my needs. Or maybe I’ll remain content with monogamy. Ultimately, it comes down to time and individual preference.
