Let’s face it, we all have a little bit of inner judge in us. Whether we’re enjoying a good dose of reality TV drama or indulging in the latest “Am I the A**hole” internet debate, there’s a certain pleasure in passing judgement. But sometimes, that critical voice takes over, leaving us feeling like a jerk. And if you’re like most people, you’ve experienced those days when your judgemental thoughts leave a sour taste in your mouth.
Before we beat ourselves up over it, remember that judgment is a natural human tendency. We’ve all caught ourselves side-eyeing a friend for an extravagant purchase after they complained about being broke, or rolled our eyes at a coworker’s messy desk. In many ways, it’s a primal instinct, a way of assessing our social environment. “Evolutionarily, we want to size people up to see if they’re a threat,” explains Andrea Bonior, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of *Detox Your Thoughts*. “Judgements are just the conclusions we come to when we ask, ‘How does this person compare to me?’”
While having an opinionated inner monologue isn’t inherently bad, there’s a fine line between harmless judgments and those that start to negatively impact your well-being and relationships. As Dr. Bonior points out, it’s less about the thoughts themselves and more about how they make you feel and behave. Are they leaving you feeling cranky and affecting how you interact with the people you care about? Has your view of the world become tainted by negativity?
“Judgment often begets more judgment and can start a cycle of negativity,” Dr. Bonior says. When you’re not happy with your judgemental tendencies, it can damage your self-esteem and intensify self-criticism.
If you’re looking for ways to curb your judgemental nature, you’re not alone. It’s a common struggle, and the good news is, it’s entirely possible to change. According to Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, therapist and author of *The Shadow Work Workbook*, it’s often not a matter of personality, but rather learned behaviors and ingrained thought patterns that can be reshaped with practice.
So, how do you break the habit of being overly judgemental? Let’s dive into five actionable strategies from experts:
1. Pause to Notice Those Judgemental Thoughts:
The first step is to become aware of your judgemental thoughts. Since passing judgment is usually an automatic reaction rather than a conscious decision, the key is to slow down and catch those critical thoughts in the act. “You don’t have to judge yourself for being judgy—it’s about the awareness that it’s happening,” says Dr. Bonior.
Consider jotting down your negative thoughts in a note on your phone or in a journal to track patterns over time. If that’s not your style, simply acknowledge the thought with a mental “Hey, that was a judgy comment.”
“Pausing helps us recognize, ‘For whatever reason, I’m looking through my judgy lens,’” Dr. Bonior says. “Then you can remind yourself that’s probably not the most accurate or helpful perspective.”
Sometimes, you can simply notice the thought and let it go, a core principle of meditation. If it’s hard to release, ask yourself: What triggered this critical response? Was it something a friend said, or maybe you were just hungry? Or perhaps there’s a deeper issue at the root of your attitude that needs addressing. More on that later.
2. Follow Up Each Judgement With Something Nicer:
Once you can identify those negative narratives as they arise, Caraballo suggests flipping the script. Balance an insult with a mental compliment. For instance, imagine you catch yourself snickering at a stranger’s awkward dance moves at a wedding. “Even if that’s your first thought, you can still say, ‘Okay, human moment. But I have to give it to them—they have courage that I don’t,’” he says.
Caraballo emphasizes the importance of authenticity in your follow-up. “You don’t have to convince yourself that your initial judgment is wrong,” he explains. Instead, find a “better but believable” thought or action. This is a concept credited to psychologist Jennifer Abel, PhD.
So, just as you might commend the bad dancer’s bravery, you could recognize your partner’s cooking skills the next time their cleaning skills are lacking. The more you practice this redirection, the more automatic it will become.
Thanks to neuroplasticity – the brain’s ability to change and adapt – you might soon break free from the habit of knee-jerk negativity. “I tell clients this all the time: You’ll probably feel a bit phony at first,” he says. “Even if it doesn’t feel natural, you’re still establishing a new, less judgy pathway in your brain that will become easier with time.”
3. Remember That You Don’t Know the Full Story:
If you’ve ever automatically blamed someone else’s tardiness on their poor time management skills instead of a possible alarm malfunction or traffic jam, you’ve fallen victim to the fundamental attribution error. This common bias, according to Dr. Bonior, explains our tendency to ignore external explanations for someone’s behavior in favor of personal judgments about their character.
“We don’t give other people the same benefit of the doubt we often grant ourselves,” she says. “It leads to all sorts of errors in judgment when we size people up that way.”
To counteract this bias, Dr. Bonior suggests reminding yourself that you don’t have all the information. For example, if you’re annoyed your cash-strapped friend found the money for a new iPhone but not for your birthday dinner, consider: you don’t know what her budget looks like; she could have been saving for a while; there might be free upgrade deals or gift options. The point is, you can’t accurately judge what you don’t know.
4. Let It Rip in a Journal:
While there are undeniable benefits to cultivating positive thoughts and practicing compassion, you don’t need to censor yourself entirely. Exploring your judgments can help you understand why you feel so strongly in the first place. Even if it’s not a deep-rooted issue, releasing those grievances and working through your opinions can be healthy.
“We don’t have to stigmatize the thoughts themselves,” Dr. Bonior says. “There’s a huge difference between sharing a judgment to someone’s face and getting it out of your system in the privacy of a journal.”
Journaling provides a safe space to express yourself without hurting others or causing drama. If you’re shocked by your friend’s messy behavior last weekend, gossiping about it with a mutual friend might not be the best idea. But writing about it in your diary? That’s perfectly fine.
The same applies to more serious topics. Let’s say your friend announces a pregnancy, and your immediate thought is, “Wait, you?” While you wouldn’t want to share that with them, journaling about it could help you understand your strong reaction, question your own views on parenthood, or offer a non-judgemental outlet for your jealousy.
5. Pay Attention to When You’re Most Judgemental:
If finding fault in others becomes a chronic habit—particularly one you don’t feel good about—it’s worth examining any patterns you notice. According to our experts, here are a few common reasons why that critical voice might be louder than usual, and addressing them is key to changing your behavior:
*
Stress:
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, your inner critic might amplify those judgemental thoughts.*
Insecurity:
If you’re struggling with self-doubt, you might project those insecurities onto others, leading to harsher judgments.*
Unresolved Issues:
There might be past experiences or unresolved conflicts that trigger your judgemental tendencies.*
Personal Values:
Your personal values and beliefs can shape your judgments.There might not be a single underlying cause, but getting curious about potential influences can lead to next steps that address the issue. This could range from setting conversational boundaries around triggering topics to seeking therapy to help you manage those negative thought patterns.
No matter where it stems from, remember that judging the world around us is simply a part of the human experience. Don’t shame yourself, Caraballo says. Instead, continue to catch those negative thoughts and practice those that feel better. And, don’t be afraid to indulge in a little judgment as a treat now and then.
