When I came out to my father in 2019, at the age of 28, the silence that followed was deafening. I had just shared that I was transitioning and wanted to be called a different name. He disappeared to his desk, asking for half an hour to process it all. The wait was agonizing. My father, while supportive of my coming out as a lesbian as a teenager, had limited knowledge about trans folks. I braced myself for the worst.
Thirty minutes later, he returned with a piece of paper filled with adjectives – over 20 of them. He explained that he had written down every word that described me, his child, and realized that none of them were gendered. Words like ‘kind,’ ‘thoughtful,’ ‘compassionate,’ and ‘ambitious’ stood out. He made it clear that if my transition meant physical changes but the same person he loved remained, then he was perfectly fine with it. At first, I was just stunned, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was only later, when I shared the story with my best friend, that I realized my father had crafted a textbook response for a loving parent of a trans child.
Looking back, I realize my father unknowingly nurtured my hidden desire for a more adventurous boyhood. As a child, he would encourage me to write stories about people and places we encountered, using my “detective notepad.” He even embraced my early, unintentional drag performances, allowing me to wear his oversized leather jacket and baggy shorts with a fake beard. He pushed me to surf, skate, play ball, be brave, and dream big—things that many girls at the time weren’t encouraged to do. My father, in his heart, always saw me as his little boy, guiding me through childhood.
It was my all-girls school and subsequent training as an actress that steered me towards a more feminine path, succumbing to societal pressures. During this period, I fell in love with a girl, finding solace in a community that felt like home. Despite my best efforts to conform, my awkward body and the discomfort I felt inside were undeniable. My loved ones, including my father, sensed my unease but couldn’t pinpoint the reason. I clung to my newfound lesbian identity, using it to explore my masculinity for a while, even marrying my childhood sweetheart and moving to the US. But something still felt deeply wrong.
At 28, overwhelmed by anxiety and discomfort, I finally made the decision to confront my true self. I left my life behind, moved back to South Africa where my parents lived, and came out as trans to my family and friends. My younger sister and two best friends were my initial confidantes, providing the strength and support I needed to tell my parents. The fear of losing my family and love was paralyzing, but my father’s response – his list of adjectives and genuine concern for my well-being – moved me deeply.
Inspired by his unconditional love, I decided to write a semi-autobiographical movie called ‘Runs in the Family.’ The film portrays a flawed but loving father who celebrates his trans son without reservation. My father directed the film while I acted in it. ‘Runs in the Family’ went on to tour international queer festivals across five continents before being released globally on Netflix, even earning a GLAAD Award nomination for Outstanding Film.
Through the filmmaking process, my father and I discovered a shared passion for creating positive films about trans life and the power of family. Our aim is to help other trans individuals and their families navigate the challenges of coming out. Our bond has never been stronger, and we’re excited to continue making waves in trans cinema together.
