My first date with Martha was unforgettable. It was July 2023, and we were simply grabbing coffee. But, what began as a casual meet-up blossomed into five hours of non-stop conversation. We shared our passions – from geeky video games and YouTube videos to our desires in the bedroom. There was an undeniable spark, and I knew I wanted to see her again. But then, her husband, Ryan, arrived to pick her up.
You might be thinking, ‘She’s cheating,’ but you’d be wrong. I already knew about Ryan. Martha had told me everything during one of our initial conversations on Feeld, an online dating app. We discussed our partners openly on our date, and I shared about my partner, Violet. Despite this, I was still nervous about meeting Ryan. It turned out, I shouldn’t have been. We ended up bonding over computer programming – he’s a genuinely nice guy.
Our first date was so successful that Martha became my secondary partner alongside Violet, and over a year later, we’re still going strong. Being polyamorous works perfectly for all of us.
I’ve always known I didn’t fit into society’s expectations. Even at 12 years old, I didn’t feel like the other boys at school. As I grew older and language evolved, I identified as non-binary and pansexual. Coming out wasn’t a big event for me; it just felt natural.
I met Violet (who I call Vi) in December 2019 at our local pub in Nottingham. We’d see each other around, joke, and flirt casually. I instantly found her friendly, bubbly, and a little chaotic – which became evident when she walked up to me one night, asked if we could kiss, planted a big one on my lips, and then walked away. I was confused, but she certainly got my attention!
We started chatting more at the pub, and she shared that she already had a partner – but they were polyamorous. All my previous relationships had been monogamous, so I was curious about how it all worked, both in theory and practice.
Our first date involved a stroll through local charity shops, where I bought a necklace I still cherish. We progressed to movie dates and picnics. I don’t recall a specific conversation about it, but I naturally became Vi’s secondary partner. This meant we were in a non-exclusive relationship, with less commitment than her primary partner, Gary* at the time.
They ended their relationship in February, about two months after I started dating Vi. Then the pandemic hit, making it difficult to see each other. It wasn’t until the end of 2020 that we decided to become primary partners.
For me, transitioning from secondary to primary simply meant checking in more and being there for Vi when she needed me – just like any other relationship. For the first year, we focused on getting to know each other without anyone else. Eventually, Vi was ready to explore other connections, but I was a bit slower to catch up. I was still figuring out how polyamory worked for me.
Eventually, I decided to download Feeld. Early on, I matched with Martha in July 2023, and the vibe was amazing – especially the fact that she was into the kink scene, something I wanted to explore more. I remember a moment when we were both gushing about our partners. Martha expressed her love for her husband’s morning breakfasts, and I shared how happy and bubbly Violet gets when she’s happy. It felt surprisingly natural, and we spent three months chatting before that five-hour coffee date.
Things moved quickly from there. We were both thrilled to become each other’s secondary partners, fitting into each other’s lives seamlessly. A couple of weeks after our first date, Vi met Martha, and they discovered shared interests like healthcare, fashion, and arts and crafts. I’m even friends with Ryan, who often helps us with DIY projects.
It’s been a beautiful symbiosis ever since. I don’t live with Vi, but we see each other four or five times a week. We do typical couple things: intimacy, watching TV, going to concerts, and even hanging out at our local pub where we first met.
Then I see Martha about twice a week. We spend time in the bedroom, of course, depending on our moods, but we also relax, chat, go for walks, and watch silly YouTube videos.
There’s not a lot of overlap between Vi and Martha, especially in the bedroom. We haven’t had a threesome together. However, there have been times when Vi’s been in the next room while Martha and I are intimate, or I’m next door when Vi has someone over. Navigating this can be tricky, but we’re all adults.
Honestly, I really enjoy spending time with Vi, Martha, and Ryan together. We love movies, Sunday dinners, and especially video games. One of our favorite things to do is play Monopoly on the Playstation (though Martha can get competitive, and I have to playfully sit on her to calm her down!).
Polyamory isn’t without its complexities. Emotions can run high, especially when it comes to reassurance between Vi and me. We try to talk about everything we’re feeling, even simple things like, ‘I’m feeling a bit ugly today. Can you say something nice about me?’ Insecurity and jealousy can pop up, which is why checking in is so important.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that loving someone else doesn’t diminish your love for anyone else. Today, Martha has two other secondary partners, I believe Ryan has one, and Violet has another partner along with two comet partners (meaning they’re in orbit and can come and go).
As for me, I’m not actively looking for more partners. I’m open to a potential new playmate, but I’m very happy with how things are. I would love to move in with Vi soon, which would strengthen our relationship even further.
For anyone considering polyamory, remember to be open and honest. It might not be for everyone, but what’s the harm in trying? You might discover something life-changing.
