Few things are more disheartening than trying to communicate with a partner who shuts down during an argument. It feels like you’re talking to a wall, no matter what you say or do. They’ve completely withdrawn, leaving you feeling helpless and rejected. This type of emotional withdrawal is called “stonewalling,” and it’s not just painful to experience, it can also be detrimental to a relationship’s long-term success. Experts even suggest that persistent stonewalling might be a sign that a relationship won’t last. Psychotherapist Kathryn Kupillas explains, “Persistent stonewalling gradually erodes trust and safety in a relationship. The ability to navigate conflict effectively is essential for any relationship to grow and thrive.” But what exactly is stonewalling in a relationship, and what drives someone to do it? Is it possible to change this behavior? And most importantly, what can be done to fix it? Let’s delve into these questions.
Understanding Stonewalling
Simply put, stonewalling is when one partner in a relationship essentially freezes the other out. Amy Morin, psychotherapist and author of “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” describes it as a partner who might roll their eyes, give the silent treatment, or walk away when you try to talk to them. They might declare, “We’re not talking about this,” or completely dismiss your attempts to discuss a topic. Stonewalling can also manifest in one-word answers, non-committal grunts, and nonverbal cues like crossing arms, stiffening the body, averting eyes, or turning their back. It often occurs during arguments or after intense conversations, but it can also happen seemingly out of the blue. Regardless of the reason, “the partner may simply stop talking for extended periods, creating a painful silence that feels like a wall between you,” says Seth Eisenberg of the PAIRS Foundation, a non-profit focused on relationship improvement.
Why People Stonewall
While stonewalling can feel incredibly hurtful, it’s important to understand that the stonewaller usually isn’t trying to inflict harm. Kupillas explains that “most forms of stonewalling are unintentional. The person shutting down isn’t fully aware of the reactive and dysregulated state they are in.” This is because stonewalling is a maladaptive defense strategy developed earlier in life—often the only coping strategy they have. Licensed marriage and family therapist Aurisha Smolarski explains, “It can originate from childhood trauma, during which the person learned to automatically disconnect or dissociate as a way to maintain safety. It is a response to feeling overwhelmed.” Adding to the complexity, the stonewaller might feel ashamed of their behavior, causing them to withdraw even further. Smolarski notes, “The only way their nervous system knows to feel safe and in control is through shutting down and emotionally or physically leaving.”
Stonewalling is unfortunately common, especially among men. However, anyone who is conflict-averse or has an avoidant attachment style might engage in this behavior. Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains, “It’s not unusual when people fear that expressing themselves honestly will lead to a larger conflict or even end the relationship. Because they were never exposed to healthy examples of how to engage in conflict, they fall back on stonewalling as a form of self-protection.”
When Stonewalling Becomes Abuse
While often unintentional, it’s crucial to remember that stonewalling can also be used to manipulate and control. Kupillas clarifies, “Stonewalling becomes emotional abuse when it’s coming from an intentional place of punishment. If you are gaslit or dismissed when you express feeling devalued—or if the behavior only ends when you give in and apologize—stonewalling may be a sign of emotional or narcissistic abuse.”
If stonewalling is frequent, long-lasting, and accompanied by other toxic behaviors—excessive jealousy, isolation, verbal or physical cruelty, for instance—it’s vital to seek professional help. Kristin Papa, a social worker and psychotherapist, emphasizes, “Stonewalling is especially concerning if it is combined with other forms of emotional abuse or if it lasts several days or weeks.”
The Impact of Stonewalling on Relationships
Whether intentional or not, stonewalling has a profoundly negative impact on relationships. Amber Robinson, a psychotherapist, describes it as an unhealthy form of conflict resolution that can cause long-lasting emotional damage. Couples who engage in stonewalling often report a lack of intimacy on both sides. For the person on the receiving end, stonewalling can lead to feelings of hopelessness, reduced self-esteem, and increased anxiety. They might feel demeaned, neglected, and even abused, often experiencing a lack of emotional safety. These feelings can cause the stonewalled person to shut down as well, leading them to eventually withdraw from the relationship altogether.
Eisenberg explains that the more one partner stonewalls, the more likely the other is to withdraw or respond with their own defense mechanisms, creating a vicious cycle that deepens the emotional divide. But it’s not just the partner being stonewalled who suffers. Therapist and epigenetics expert Johanna Lynn notes that stonewallers often experience increased physical stress, emotional disconnection, and an accumulation of unresolved issues and resentment. They can also feel hopeless as their behavior creates a mismatch between their thoughts, feelings, and actions, leading to anxiety and even despair, according to relationship therapist Domenique Harrison.
In essence, stonewalling in a relationship leads to disconnection on all sides, making the partnership unsustainable. Kupillas emphasizes, “Without vulnerability and emotional intimacy, connection is blocked, and true intimacy cannot be built.”
The Cure for Stonewalling
Though stonewalling can feel overwhelming, experts agree that it’s not impossible to overcome. Couples therapy is a good starting point. However, fixing the issue often requires more than simply learning better communication strategies. As Eisenberg points out, stonewalling is often a reflection of deeper emotional issues rooted in unmet needs and fears of intimacy, and changing that “involves a deeper reconditioning of emotional responses and addressing the fears that fuel this behavior.”
This means the stonewaller needs to become aware of, acknowledge, and take responsibility for how their behavior impacts the relationship and their partner. They must be willing to learn and practice new ways to cope with dysregulation and distress. Eisenberg suggests learning self-soothing practices like deep breathing, taking a walk, or practicing mindfulness.
Trauma therapy and somatic therapy can be transformative for someone who stonewalls. Psychotherapist Rachael Chathman explains that learning to pay attention to your body and mind when triggered is crucial for understanding your panic or overwhelm. This awareness can help the stonewaller better express themselves, leading to deeper connection with their partner.
Therapist Gloria Zhang, author of “A Woman’s Guide to Inner Child Healing,” emphasizes that stonewallers must learn to communicate their need for space instead of leaving their partner in the dark. Saying, “I feel my body shutting down, and I need to go on a walk to clear my thoughts so I can show up better in this conversation,” can significantly shift the dynamic.
Shifting the Pattern of Stonewalling
However, it’s not just the stonewaller who needs to change; both partners must recognize their role in the dynamic. Eisenberg explains that “generally, partners who shut down have partners who are expressive. Expressive partners tend to double down when they feel unheard, causing the other partner to shut down even more.” The expressive partner’s task is to create a safe enough environment for the shutting-down partner to come out of their shell.
As in all successful relationships, the key is teamwork. Both individuals must approach each other and themselves with compassion. It’s essential to believe that you’re truly in it together and that you’ve attracted each other for a reason. Eisenberg explains, “The dynamic exists because each person is the key to the other’s growth.”
What to Do When Stonewalling Occurs
Of course, it can be challenging to remember all this in moments of intense distress. Often, when stonewalling occurs, both partners are not at their best. Kupillas reminds us that “most struggles around conflict are co-created to some extent, and healing often requires we establish new patterns and instincts.” She offers the following strategies for doing just that:
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Take a Break:
When tensions are high, step away from the conversation for a few minutes. This allows both of you to cool down and regain composure.*
Focus on Active Listening:
When you resume the conversation, focus on actively listening to your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree.*
Validate Their Feelings:
Acknowledge your partner’s emotions, even if you don’t understand them fully. Let them know you hear their perspective.*
Take Responsibility:
Instead of focusing on who’s right or wrong, take responsibility for your role in the conflict.*
Seek Professional Help:
If you’re struggling to resolve conflicts on your own, consider seeking couples therapy. A therapist can provide guidance and tools for healthier communication.Ultimately, the benefits of addressing and ending stonewalling extend far beyond better communication. The goal is true reconnection, and that requires increased awareness of our unhealthy patterns overall. As Lynn notes, “the journey towards developing secure attachment together and opening communication can transform the landscape of the relationship, replacing silence and distance with intimacy and trust.”
