The thought, ‘My bumhole is right in his face,’ echoed in my head, repeatedly, as I attempted to enjoy the oral sex my lover was giving me. Despite his best efforts, my focus was solely on my own body. I knew I was clean, but the proximity of his nose to my behind made me incredibly self-conscious. My soft stomach pressed against his hard abs, adding to my discomfort as I tried to return the favor with a decent blowjob. I was in sensory overload. We were attempting the infamous 69 position – and it wasn’t going well. Ten minutes of awkward maneuvering later, we gave up. I’ve heard similar tales from countless friends about this particular sex act. Just last week, in fact, we were all swapping stories.
The ‘bumhole thing’ seems to be the most common issue for many. No matter how much you’ve wiped or washed, it’s natural to wonder what your partner is experiencing. Like me, if you have a bad experience, it’s easy to assume it’s simply not a position you enjoy. But before you dismiss the 69 – or any other sex act – hear me out.
The incident I described happened over 15 years ago. Back then, I hadn’t had much experience with giving or receiving oral sex, mutual or otherwise. My boyfriend was older and more experienced. He suggested we try the 69, and while I wasn’t opposed, I was nervous. Unfortunately, I didn’t share those concerns with him. That was my first mistake. It’s much easier to navigate a new position if you communicate your worries with your partner. But I was young and decided to just go with it. My embarrassment led me to avoid mutual oral for a very long time. I convinced myself I didn’t like it. But let’s be honest, I hadn’t really given it a fair shot.
Over the years, several exes suggested the position, but I avoided any awkwardness by offering to give them head instead. You can imagine how often guys I slept with turned down that offer! Once I reached my 30s, my perspective changed. I enjoy pushing my limits in all aspects of life, including the bedroom. So, when a partner suggested the 69, I did what I should have done the first time: I told him it wasn’t my thing. He respected my opinion but asked if I’d be open to a little experiment. I said yes.
‘Lie on your back and hang your head over the edge of the bed,’ my lover instructed. He then stood in front of me, leaned over, and started giving me oral sex. The only change was our body positioning, but it made a huge difference. We then took things to another level. I grabbed a vibrator from my bedside table, turned it on, and asked for his permission to use it on his body. Out of respect for my ex, I won’t go into further detail, but let’s just say… the 69 might be my new favorite number.
The truth is, there are endless variations of sex acts. It’s only through experimentation that you can truly discover what you enjoy. And remember, your preferences can evolve over time. Sometimes, the issue isn’t the sex position itself. Shagging doesn’t happen in a vacuum; many factors can influence how we feel during intimate moments. Maybe the sheets were itchy, or you had a bad day at work. Perhaps this lover isn’t the right person for this particular act. It’s not a reflection on either of you, it could simply be that the moment or the chemistry isn’t right.
When I first attempted the 69, I wasn’t as confident in myself or my body as I am now. The fear of accidentally farting or some other ‘disaster’ felt like the end of the world. I wish someone had told me that sex isn’t an exact science. It takes time to get it right, but if you never allow yourself to explore, how will you ever know what you like?
Now, older, wiser, and with a few more notches on my bedpost, I’m at peace with the unpredictable nature of sex. That doesn’t mean I don’t still push my boundaries. I’m glad I tried the 69 again, but it’s still not at the top of my list. I’ll try it now and then when I’m looking for something different. The important thing is that I no longer feel embarrassed.
Don’t worry about ‘failing’ in bed because there is no such thing. The art of shagging is a learning curve.
