A recent study by Zoopla has uncovered a concerning trend: a gender pay gap in the “Bank of Mum and Dad.” The research revealed that parents are significantly more likely to help their sons purchase their first homes than their daughters. On average, female first-time buyers receive £51,671 from their parents, while male first-time buyers receive £65,004 – a difference of £13,333. This disparity begs the question: why? Is it simply sexism?
One theory suggests that parents of girls often contribute substantial sums towards their daughters’ weddings, leading them to compensate their sons with larger deposits for homes. This raises a broader discussion about the traditional expectation of the bride’s family paying for the wedding, an outdated practice rooted in patriarchal ideas of dowries and ownership. While many couples strive for feminist ideals, completely decoupling weddings from their historically gendered origins is not always easy.
My personal experience reflects this tension. I am married with a child and renting in London. While I cherished my wedding day, I recognize that a house deposit would have provided greater long-term security. We opted for an affordable wedding, prioritizing a comfortable budget for our guests over lavish displays. My father and stepmother generously contributed, but when I requested that he not “give me away,” he said, “I never felt like I owned you in the first place.” This simple statement, though tear-jerking, resonated with my values. Our wedding was beautiful and modest, a stark contrast to the average UK wedding cost of £20,700. I understand the pressure to create a lavish event, particularly given the influence of picture-perfect social media displays.
Despite my commitment to keeping costs manageable, one area I couldn’t compromise on was my dress. I had always been fascinated by fashion and dreamed of wearing a 1920s-style gown I had seen in Vogue as a teenager. Years later, I went to try it on, only to be faced with a price tag that was far from justifiable, even though it wasn’t comparable to a house deposit. The “princess myth” is very real: many of my friends, despite initially vowing against traditional meringue gowns, fell for extravagant designs that rivaled Lady Diana Spencer’s iconic wedding dress. Subconscious ideas about weddings from our childhoods resurface, even for the most level-headed brides, sometimes leading to exorbitant expenses on seemingly frivolous details like chair covers.
I did my best to resist these pressures, finding a vintage alternative for my dress. But then, a miracle occurred: I found a sample of my dream dress in my size at a fraction of the original price. My mother and godmother generously shared the cost. Looking back at my dress now, damaged from a night of celebrating, I can’t help but wonder about the sunk cost. While I wouldn’t trade my dress for a house deposit, there are undoubtedly women who spent significant sums on extravagant weddings and are still struggling to buy their first home.
While getting married before buying a house together may seem financially advantageous, there are considerations to be made, particularly the high divorce rate. It’s unclear how to deter women from feeling the immense pressure to have a perfect wedding, especially when fathers often feel obligated to cover the costs. Many men, however, are indifferent to wedding extravagance and see the expense as frivolous. Why shouldn’t they receive boosted deposits for their first homes if they aren’t interested in elaborate weddings? Or perhaps they are having big weddings, but their girlfriends’ fathers are covering all the expenses, perpetuating a cycle of patriarchal financial responsibility.
Other theories for the parental gifting gap include the higher percentage of young women attending university and the possibility that daughters are better at saving money than sons. Whatever the reason, it remains unfair that a significant family contribution is often the only way for young adults to get on the property ladder. This survey found that those who received parental assistance purchased their homes at an average age of 32, compared to 39 for those who didn’t. The shame of witnessing friends buying their second or third homes while still struggling to buy a first one is a deeply personal struggle. It’s easy to fall prey to the narrative that one could have saved more by cutting back on brunches, but the issue is systemic. The current system, where young adults can pay significant rent for years but struggle to qualify for a mortgage, is a national scandal.
You might argue that I shouldn’t have had a wedding at all. But many of us felt a sense of urgency to begin adult life, especially when traditional milestones were delayed due to generational injustice. Young adults have a right to love and celebrate family gatherings; these are the things that make life worth living. However, basic needs like a safe and warm home are equally fundamental. I still have those beautiful French antique lace curtains, carefully preserved in a suitcase, waiting for their forever home. I hope that one day I’ll be able to hang them.
