While sitting in a park cafe, I witnessed a mother struggling to feed her children. She was trying to feed her baby while simultaneously supervising her toddler’s meal. The little girl wanted to go back outside to play, but her stressed mother wasn’t ready to leave. In her frustration, the mother used a phrase I’ve heard countless times: ‘Just be a good girl and clear your plate.’ This phrase, so commonplace it’s been normalized, has a profound effect on many of the lifelong dieters I work with as a hypnotherapist.
As a mother myself, I understand the struggle. However, my work has opened my eyes to the deeply ingrained messages around food that people carry from childhood. These messages can become so ingrained that they are believed as truth, rather than mere tactics to get children to eat. One client was terrified of leaving food on her plate. She had been taught that food waste was evil and would always eat enormous portions, never stopping until the plate was clean. As an adult, she was morbidly obese and feared for her health. She knew she was overeating but couldn’t stop, especially when eating out or when someone else controlled portion sizes. The thought of wasting food stopped her every time she tried to lose weight.
After witnessing the mother in the cafe, I became curious about other ‘dinner-time’ phrases that my clients had heard as children and how they impacted their adult relationship with food. Common responses included: ‘Eat your dinner, there are children starving in Africa,’ ‘I’ve spent hours cooking that, you’re going to eat it,’ and the classic, ‘If you don’t eat all your greens, you can’t have any pudding.’ Sadly, food as a reward is common in my practice, especially among those struggling with weight loss.
These phrases can cause significant difficulties later in life. Many people are conditioned to eat everything on their plates, regardless of whether they like the food or are hungry. Being told to eat foods you dislike (often healthy options) to earn a reward (usually unhealthy treats) can create emotional eaters. Being told you’re ‘good’ for clearing your plate (as the mother in the cafe said, no doubt with good intentions) or that you can’t leave the table until you’ve finished only teaches children that leaving food on their plate might cause offense. This leads to overeating (and weight gain) and mindless eating, a way to eat unenjoyable foods by distracting oneself. People overeat to keep the peace or to be accepted and loved, losing awareness of their own hunger levels. One client took months to understand her eating patterns. Her entire identity as a good person was tied to finishing her food.
Research even draws a link between parents who force their children to clear their plates and the likelihood of the children developing eating disorders like anorexia, bulimia, or obesity. In my practice, most of my clients attribute their food issues to being taught that finishing every bit was mandatory, leaving food was unacceptable. While parenting is challenging, it’s important to be aware of these phrases and choose to discard them. The adults I work with begin with mindful eating: learning to recognize their hunger levels, eating only when hungry and stopping when full. Most children can do this naturally, so encourage them to do so. It may be challenging initially, but children will eat when they are hungry.
Take time to try various foods with your children, encouraging a curious, scientific approach. Ask them if they truly enjoy the taste. Avoid labeling foods as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ and instead make a list together of foods that make your child feel good and energized. Fostering a healthy relationship with food early on is a wonderful gift. Besides building a healthy body image and self-esteem, children who are taught to listen to their bodies and eat mindfully are more likely to carry these habits into adulthood. This promotes long-term health and well-being, along with various physical and cognitive benefits. Wouldn’t that be wonderful for our children?
