Have you ever felt like your sex drive has disappeared, especially after moving in with your partner? It’s not uncommon. The seemingly mundane act of sharing household responsibilities can have a profound impact on the emotional intimacy and, subsequently, the sexual spark within a relationship. This is because the ‘mental load’ – the invisible labor of managing a household and anticipating needs – can easily fall disproportionately on one partner, leading to resentment and a dwindling sense of desire.
Licensed professional counselor Rychel Johnson explains that desire is a delicate balance between emotional intimacy and everyday acts of consideration. When these small gestures of support fade, the sexual spark often follows. Imagine feeling like a parent constantly reminding your partner of their responsibilities instead of feeling cherished and partnered with. It’s no wonder that resentment can build, slowly suffocating romantic desire.
This lopsided dynamic is particularly common in heterosexual relationships, with women often bearing the brunt of the mental load. This is highlighted in Gillian Anderson’s book, ‘Want,’ which explores the sexual fantasies of women around the world. Many women express a desire for their partners to take on more responsibility, such as hiring a cleaner, doing the grocery shopping, and contributing to household chores.
Relationship psychologist Mairead Molloy emphasizes the link between shared chores and ’emotional foreplay.’ Studies have shown that women are significantly more likely to be tasked with cleaning and tidying than men, often spending over 36 hours per week on household tasks. When this imbalance exists, it’s no surprise that women report feeling burdened and their sex drive suffers.
This imbalance isn’t just about chores. It’s about feeling valued, appreciated, and respected. The mental load, if left unaddressed, can lead to ’emotional erosion’ – a gradual chipping away at the foundation of trust and goodwill that is essential for a healthy sexual attraction. As Rychel points out, this is often fueled by dated gender roles that disproportionately place the burden of domestic responsibility on women.
So, how can couples address this issue and rekindle their sexual spark? The key is communication and a willingness to share the mental load equally. Relationship coach Gemma Nice emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and establishing clear expectations from the beginning. This might involve openly discussing love languages, identifying chores each partner prefers or dislikes, and allocating tasks fairly. Gemma also suggests fun ways to make chores less of a chore, like washing dishes together with bubbles or having open conversations while tackling household tasks. Most importantly, regular check-ins are crucial to ensure that the agreed upon division of labor is working for both partners.
It’s crucial to remember that this issue isn’t solely a male problem. Many men are actively involved in household responsibilities and contribute equally. However, when the balance shifts, regardless of the gender involved, it’s vital to address it through open communication and a shared commitment to a more equitable partnership. Remember, it’s not just about chores; it’s about feeling appreciated, respected, and emotionally connected. And when those feelings are strong, the sexual spark tends to follow suit.
