The room fell silent as one hundred pairs of eyes stared at me, a mix of shock and curiosity rippling through the crowd. It wasn’t a typical reaction, but then again, they were looking at a pastry vulva. As an adult sex educator and coach, I was presenting at a wellness event, aiming to break down the shame and misinformation surrounding women’s bodies.
The first step? Correcting terminology. While ‘vagina’ is often used, it actually refers to the internal canal. The external genitalia is the vulva, and this distinction is crucial. Misnaming a part of the body makes it vulnerable to shame and misinformation. It’s why we have so many slang terms for the vulva, some playful, others cruel. The fact that we struggle to use the correct word reveals a deep-seated cultural discomfort surrounding this vital part of the female anatomy.
From a young age, women are taught to feel ashamed of their vulvas, believing they are ugly and unpleasant. Most women have never seen another woman’s vulva, exposed only to the unrealistic and often idealized versions in mainstream pornography. But the truth is, vulvas are incredibly diverse and beautiful. I know because I’ve seen thousands, thanks to my years as a striptease artist in London. During each performance, we stripped fully nude, an experience that opened my eyes to the incredible variety of vulvas. They came in every shade imaginable: dusky dark, pale purple, brown, golden, fuchsia, and cream. Lips were long, short, smooth, scalloped, shaped like butterfly wings or tulip petals. I even remember a dancer with labia so long she could tie a knot in them! And yet, not once did an audience express negativity towards the vulvas on stage. In fact, I was regularly told mine was beautiful, and I learned to be proud of it.
This experience sparked a new chapter in my life. After retiring from striptease and becoming a life coach, a woman reached out to me, seeking guidance about her sex life. She felt ashamed of her vulva, believing it was unattractive and questioning why anyone would find it appealing. We worked together to unpack these feelings, replacing them with neutrality, and eventually, positive self-acceptance. Her transformation was remarkable. She submitted a photograph of her vulva to an artist who paints watercolors of genitalia, sharing it with the world, anonymously, with immense pride. This newfound confidence also translated into greater sexual pleasure.
Sadly, her story is not unique. Countless women struggle with negative feelings about their vulvas, often internalizing the societal message that it’s something to be hidden and ashamed of. This shame has real consequences, impacting women’s sexual pleasure, body confidence, and even their health. Missed opportunities for early detection of vulval cancers, due to discomfort with self-examination, are a stark reminder of this connection.
The solution? Open conversations and education. We need to teach our children the correct names for their bodies, using the same matter-of-fact approach we do for other body parts. We need to encourage women to see a variety of vulvas, recognizing that every one is unique and beautiful. By doing so, we can empower women to view their vulvas with acceptance, celebrate their individuality, and enjoy greater sexual pleasure and overall well-being.
If you have a vulva, take a moment to reflect on your feelings about it. Do you feel comfortable with your body? Do you know what each part is called? If not, it’s time to explore, learn, and embrace the beauty of your unique anatomy.
