As time passes, the initial butterflies of the honeymoon phase often fade in relationships. Whether you’re living together, married, or have children, you might find yourself feeling like mere roommates. Text conversations might revolve around grocery lists, and date nights might be replaced by organizing the spice rack. While love remains, the relationship feels mundane, and you might find yourself in what’s known as the ‘roommate phase.’
What is the ‘roommate phase’? According to psychologist and relationship expert Ieva Kubiliute, it’s a term used when ‘partners start to operate more like housemates than romantic partners.’ This phase is characterized by a shift from emotional connection to routine cohabitation. The initial passion and novelty of the relationship may diminish, leading to interactions that feel more transactional and less affectionate. Partners might share responsibilities and living spaces with a sense of emotional detachment, as if the romantic connection has been replaced by a pragmatic partnership.
The ‘roommate phase’ has sparked considerable conversation online, with couples sharing their experiences and acknowledging its normalcy. Yet, this doesn’t lessen its potential pain. Emma Feagan, a TikTok user, described feeling isolated after her partner and she entered this phase following the birth of their child. She felt a disconnect as she witnessed other couples in love, even having second babies. Her video resonated with many others who shared their own experiences, highlighting that this phase can occur in various stages of a relationship, not just with parenthood.
Why does the ‘roommate phase’ happen? Ieva explains that it can arise ‘as a result of the everyday pressures and routines that can erode the initial excitement of a relationship.’ Life’s demands, including work, finances, and parenting, can consume time and energy, leading to a decline in emotional and physical intimacy. This shift can be exacerbated by a lack of deliberate effort to maintain romance and deepen the connection. Essentially, the ‘roommate phase’ can be a consequence of neglecting the emotional aspects of the relationship while focusing on logistical and practical concerns.
How to get out of the ‘roommate phase’? Fear not, there is a way out of this phase. Sex and relationships therapist Nicola Foster emphasizes that while having sex can help, it’s not always realistic, as many couples face competing priorities. She suggests keeping the spark alive through admiration, compliments, open expressions of desire, reminiscing about past experiences, and creating a wish list of things to explore together in the future.
Nadia McCowan Hill, spokesperson at Lovehoney, adds that open and honest communication is crucial for rebuilding lost emotional intimacy. She suggests scheduling regular check-ins to discuss feelings, needs, and expectations. Activities that foster emotional connection, such as shared hobbies, date nights, and quality time together, can help reconnect you on a deeper level.
Escaping the roommate phase takes time and effort. It won’t happen overnight. By consistently working on your relationship and prioritizing your emotional connection, you can rediscover the love and passion that brought you together in the first place.
