The setup started like all the others: with the best of intentions. A friend was about to get married and wanted to introduce me to a guy she thought would be perfect for me – let’s call him Bobby. She assured me he was kind, clever, and a social butterfly. The classic setup strategy was in place: we’d be seated next to each other at the wedding dinner. The conversation flowed easily enough at first. We shared mutual acquaintances and had similar backgrounds growing up in London. He was attractive, charming, and friendly. A catch? He got drunk – so drunk, in fact, that he started picking fights on the dance floor. I was baffled. How had he gotten so inebriated? Was he secretly taking vodka shots in the bathroom? Soon, friends were physically holding him upright, trying to prevent him from collapsing onto a table outside and hurling insults at anyone who crossed his path. For a while, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt – some people are just bad drunks, after all – and even tried reasoning with him when he told the bride’s sister to “f
* off.” He looked me straight in the eye, slurred “I don’t give a s
* what you think, you stupid b,” and continued on his drunken rampage.Setups don’t always go well, obviously. Not everyone you like is going to get along with you romantically. But when a setup goes so drastically wrong, it can be incredibly awkward. The stakes are higher than with dating apps, where the consequences are minimal. With setups, there’s an expectation to be on your best behavior and make a good impression. And you’ll probably see the person again, regardless of how the first encounter goes. You really don’t want to mess it up. And yet, it happens all the time.
“I had one guy fall asleep on our date,” says Annabelle, 32, a frequent recipient of friend-arranged introductions, who has even been set up twice by her mother. “Another wondered aloud what I would look like if I was unwell. One gentleman told me I should be grateful to be with him because he usually only dated ‘10/10 chickens’. And the women I’ve been set up with have spent entire dates questioning my queerness.”
If you simply don’t like someone a friend (or mother) has set you up with, a polite no-thank-you usually suffices. But when someone starts verbally abusing you and others during a drunken rant, it’s a different story. Part of you feels embarrassed for them, as I did for Bobby. Another part feels insulted: why would anyone ever think I’d be compatible with this complete baboon? I asked my friend about her research on Bobby, and she confessed to not having seen him in years. A note to all well-meaning set-uppers: make sure your research is up to date.
The truth is, if you ask any single person how they’d ideally like to meet someone, most would say in real life as opposed to online. Dating apps have become so ubiquitous that it’s almost cliché to criticize them. But personally, I’d much rather be set up by a friend than go on another disappointing date with a man from Hinge who, at best, could be a bit boring and at worst, could be a bit of a sociopath. I’m being facetious, but my point is that things are so dire in the online dating scene that a friend of a friend I haven’t even seen a photograph of is a far more appealing option than a total stranger I have zero ties to. And yes, I still think that even after the disastrous wedding setup.
“I would absolutely prefer to be set up over dipping my toe back into online dating,” agrees Annabelle. “Being expected to judge compatibility online via the means of a few photos and prompts is bizarre. In my experience, there is no substitute for meeting real people in real life and taking the time to really know them.”
Being set up by your friends also offers the added bonus of exposing you to people you might not necessarily swipe right on. “I love a set-up as dating apps can get boring,” says Jess, 31. “I think it’s also nice as mates know you better than you know yourself sometimes.”
It does help, of course, to know when you’re actually being set up. “I was asked by a friend to meet one of their friends who had moved up from London to Manchester,” adds Jess. “We went for drinks, and it was really awkward. Then I found out it was secretly a setup; I definitely didn’t fancy him, so it was a weird one.”
Despite the potential for awkwardness and even disaster, setups can work. I have three friends who are in serious relationships with people they were set up with. “I’m such a firm believer that your partner arrives in your life when you’re least expecting it,” says Nadine, 37, who had just broken up with someone when she attended a friend’s birthday lunch on her own. “He sat me next to his sister whom I’d met once or twice before. She decided after hours of us chatting that she wanted to introduce me to her single friend, Angus.” They exchanged photos and phone numbers. “He got in touch the day after and we arranged to meet.” They immediately hit it off and have now been married for six years.
Sometimes the setup can come from a very unexpected person, too. Take Stacey, 44, who wandered into a surf shop in Gower, South Wales, 15 years ago, with love being the very last thing on her mind. “I was talking to the owner and he was trying to sell me a very expensive board,” she recalls. “I was 29 and had told him I’d just got back from travelling in Bali so I couldn’t even afford a sofa. He told me his son had recently returned from travelling and offered to introduce us. I thought he seemed like a nice guy so his son must be nice, too.” He was; the following week, Stacey and the surf shop owner’s son met for a drink in Cardiff. Today, they’re married with two children. “I’m a great believer in seizing opportunities that are thrown at you.”
It’s an optimistic reminder, one I’ll cling to the next time someone I’m set up with winds up being a dud. In the meantime, if you know anyone…
