“I genuinely like him and I love the guy, but the concept of fidelity doesn’t seem to matter much in our marriage.” These are the words of Fiona*, who is in a tolyamorous relationship. Never heard of tolyamory? Coined by relationship podcaster Dan Savage, the term is a fusion of the words “tolerate” and “polyamory.” It refers to the relationship dynamic where one or both people in a couple tolerate their partner’s sexual or romantic contact outside the relationship. They do this without specific mutual agreement to open their relationship to others or to commit to a polyamorous lifestyle. In other words, it’s non-consensual non-monogamy.
Fiona is all too familiar with this dynamic. “Despite [my husband] despising his father for having mistresses behind his mother’s back, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” she says. “Unlike his father, who was a nightmare all around with his family, he is caring and attentive with me, and although I work, he pays pretty much everything and gives me money to spend.” Fiona revealed that her partner has had more than one affair and that she tolerates it, simply telling him, “I just don’t want to know.”
This relationship dynamic is more common than you might think, according to clinical relationship psychologist Dr. Sarah Bishop. Sarah tells Metro: “I’ve had clients who have come to me struggling with the concept of tolyamory, encountering situations where couples have navigated the complexities of tolerating their partner’s outside sexual or romantic contact without explicit consent. It’s difficult to determine the exact prevalence… but the likelihood is that it is more common than one might expect, since it challenges societal norms and is therefore less openly spoken about.”
Fiona feels she’s fine with tolerating her husband’s infidelity as long as he doesn’t get an STD or get anyone pregnant. She wrote on Reddit: “I don’t want a divorce, I am comfortable where I am now… He’s a good husband, if we put aside his infidelities.” Fiona has admitted to straying outside the marriage too, and her husband hasn’t said anything. “Maybe we just deserve each other, but we aren’t hurting anyone, and we got some good things going as a couple.”
But is tolyamory a healthy behavior to engage in? Psychologist Sarah says it’s subjective. “It depends on the individuals involved and their specific circumstances,” she explains. “Ethically, it is crucial to prioritize open and honest communication, consent, and the well-being of all parties involved. Transparency, mutual respect, and clear boundaries are essential for navigating non-monogamous relationships in a healthy manner.”
Tolyamory is also closely related to DADT, or Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell – another approach to infidelity in monogamous relationships. But Sarah says there is a defining factor that sets them apart. “Tolyamory typically involves a non-consensual aspect where one partner tolerates the outside involvement of the other, whereas ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ often involves a mutual agreement to not discuss or disclose outside relationships,” she says.
Why settle in this relationship dynamic, though? When it comes to the partner who is cheating, Sarah explains: “Individuals seeking sex outside of the relationship may crave novelty or variety, while others may desire emotional connections outside of their primary relationship. It could also come from a sense of entitlement to sex or lack of empathy towards a partner.”
And for the person who is left tolerating non-consensual infidelity, Sarah says it is likely to stem from a fear of losing the relationship. “It may also be due to low self-esteem, emotional dependence, practical considerations, or belief in the possibility of change,” Sarah adds. “On the other hand, it may be due to valuing other aspects of the relationship such as the history or partnership.” Everyone in this type of relationship will ultimately have their own personal motivations.
Signs that suggest you may be in a tolyamorous relationship can include feelings of discomfort, insecurity, or a sense of betrayal arising from your partner’s outside sexual or romantic involvement without your consent, according to Sarah. If you are navigating this type of relationship, seeking guidance from a qualified therapist can provide valuable support and guidance in exploring your emotions, desires, and relationship dynamics.
If you suspect your partner could be cheating on you, but you aren’t sure, and you have no desire to be in a tolyamorous relationship, Sarah has also shared some potential signs your partner is being unfaithful. “Look out for changes in behavior, increased secrecy, lack of intimacy, decreased communication, unexplained absences, changes in appearance, and trust your gut instincts,” she says. Regardless of whether you’re experiencing tolyamory or not, remember that it’s important to recognize and honor your own emotions and needs in these situations.
