It’s never easy knowing what to say to someone who has lost a loved one. We all know the feeling of being lost for words, unsure if we should even try to offer comfort. Despite the fact that most of us will experience the death of someone close at some point, it’s still a topic we often avoid. And if you haven’t experienced grief firsthand, it can feel especially daunting to navigate. To help you better understand how to support someone during this difficult time, we asked people who have experienced loss what helped them, and what they wish others hadn’t said or done.
Here are their insights:
Katheryn, 25:
“When I lost my dad suddenly at 15, a friend’s mom suggested I write him a letter to help process my feelings. I’ve been writing him letters ever since, and it’s been almost 10 years now. The worst thing people would say is, ‘How did it happen?’ Especially when it’s fresh. It’s insensitive and makes you relive the moment. It’s the worst feeling. Just let people open up naturally, and they’ll tell you if they want to.”Heather, 67:
“Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. Or to admit you don’t know what to say. Clichés really aren’t helpful.”Claie, 46:
“I don’t think anyone said anything that upset me, but I found the cards sent by friends to be the most lovely thing. It’s something people don’t tend to do in other circumstances, not even for birthdays. Waking up feeling devastated to a doormat covered in cards from people saying they were thinking of you – even those you haven’t spoken to in years – was so heartwarming. I also loved when people shared their memories of my dad. Knowing he made a positive impact on someone’s life was comforting. I learned he was a generous, nurturing boss. Obviously, I thought he was amazing, but being a journalist, you don’t always think about them being kind in a newsroom – but apparently he always was.”Momtaz:
“Don’t pretend it hasn’t happened. The worst is when people just don’t mention it. When my mum died, my flatmates didn’t mention it, not even to say sorry. They just carried on talking to me as normal when I got back even though I’d been home for a month. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong thing to say, you should just feel like you can say something as the person will appreciate it more than saying nothing.”Victoria, 25:
“I found it helpful when I was told, ‘You need to stay strong now to make Mum proud, because she wouldn’t want to look and see you sad and upset.’ I also found it helpful when I was told that you can find meaning even in death. It’s good if you can find a positive outlet for your grief. My mum suffered from mental illness, so I became an advocate for mental health. It makes me feel closer to her. I was told time is a healer. I wish I was told that’s not completely true. Grief is like a wave, just the waves are calmer and hit less frequently over time. They can hit unexpectedly.”Jessica, 25:
“For me, what’s appropriate to say during times of grief depends on who you’re grieving and the circumstances surrounding their passing. I’ve lost grandparents and a school friend. What can be comforting in one instance can be offensive in the other.”Nikki, 34:
“When my baby died, people generally avoided me. Crossed the street, etc. I know it’s because they didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to say the wrong thing, but honestly, the best thing would have been, ‘Hey, good to see you, hope you’re okay.'”Gabriella:
“I lost my dad when I was 16, and people always said, ‘Every day will get easier,’ and I hated it. Because some days would be okay, and some I’d just want to cry all day. It’s not a calendar of when you’ll feel better about death. Not each day was easier, some were about five steps back. Also, I wish people knew how much their memories of the person matter. If someone who knew my dad, even vaguely, shares their memory of him with me, it means a lot. I feel a lot of people don’t share because they don’t want to upset you, but it helps to keep the memory of them alive and also helps to create a picture of who they were as a person instead of just who they were as my dad, if that makes sense.”Jo, 29:
“‘It’s okay to be sad, please talk to me anyway because I want to be here for you.’ Or just, ‘I honestly don’t know what to say, is there anything I can do to be helpful/just let me know’ are both decent ways to open conversation, I think.”Ultimately, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to offering comfort during grief. The most important thing is to be present, listen, and offer your support in a way that feels genuine and authentic to you.
