When it comes to sex, there are often secret kinks or fantasies we’d love to explore but haven’t yet dared to try. This is true for almost all women, with a staggering 90% harboring a hidden sexual desire. A recent survey conducted by the sex-positive dating app Pure, which polled 3,000 women, revealed that their fantasies are far from vanilla. In fact, the most popular desire amongst the respondents was for an orgy. A whopping 35% of women expressed a desire to participate in orgies, foursomes, and threesomes.
Sexologist and sex expert Gigi Engle, writing for sextoys.co.uk, sheds light on the intricacies of orgies and why they might be so appealing to women. “An orgy is group sex where everyone is having sex with each other in the same room, whether that’s in threes and fours or a bunch of couples,” she explains. This is different from a gang bang, where one person is receiving and everyone else is penetrating or giving. Orgies, as it turns out, are one of the oldest sexual acts in the book, with Gigi noting they have been “around basically since the dawn of humanity.” She adds: “The most popular orgies from history are probably Bacchanalia, which is a feast to celebrate the god of wine Dionysus in Greece, and the spring harvest in Ancient Rome and Greece.”
But what makes group sex so appealing to women? “You can explore voyeurism and exhibitionism which are huge kinks, because you can watch and be watched by others, in an orgy situation,” explains Gigi. “It’s pure hedonism to be engaging in this activity, tapping in to your lustful, animalistic side. They’re taboo, societally it’s a wild thing to have an orgy. It can be really exciting.”
It’s important to remember that with any group sexual activity, safety and consent are paramount. Gigi advises all participants to share their STI status beforehand, use barrier methods like condoms or dental dams, and switch to new ones between sex acts to ensure they remain effective. When it comes to consent, she says: “Any good reputable sex party will have ‘guardians’ who are sober caretakers, making sure people are following the rules and you can go to them if anything sketchy happens.”
Following closely behind orgies on the list of hidden desires is rough sex, with 32% of survey respondents expressing interest in experimenting with it, alongside power and control play. This often includes Consensual Non-Consent (CNC), where partners actively engage in sexual activity that simulates an element of force. This controversial kink can incorporate certain scenarios – such as ‘kidnapping’ – to add to the intensity, and even involve ‘rape fantasies.’ However, it’s crucial to emphasize that rough sex must always be practiced with enthusiastic consent from both parties involved.
Dr Lori Beth Bisbey, a sex therapist, intimacy coach, and psychologist, previously told Metro.co.uk: “The reason some people use CNC is because they don’t want a ‘fluffy’ fantasy experience. They want the feeling of being out of control – as opposed to knowing how much control they have. I advise people not to do this with a stranger.” According to Dr Lori, it’s essential to set out ‘bottom lines’ and plan safe words despite the uncontrolled nature of CNC. The perceived lack of consent during this extreme form of rough sex is purely an act, and both parties need to be clear of that. When in doubt, Dr Lori recommends using the acronym PRICK, which stands for Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink. PRICK highlights the idea that as long as you take personal responsibility for yourself and are fully informed, you can genuinely consent to extreme – or seemingly dark – kinks.
On a lighter note, 20% of women surveyed shared they wanted to experiment with role play, which can range from wearing a sexy costume to pretending to be different people altogether. Kate Moyle, sex expert for sexual wellness brand LELO, told Metro.co.uk that communication beforehand is key. “If you are interested in trying out a role then discuss it with your partner first rather than just springing it on them,” she said. “Then if you both agree to try it you will be in the right headspace to use your imaginations and be creative.”
It’s important to not put too much pressure on the experience, as Kate adds: “One of the biggest disappointments is also the gap between expectation and reality, so if you are just getting started with role play don’t expect it to go exactly or perfectly to plan… If you are wedded to an exact plan then as soon as it starts not happening you will get stuck in your head and thoughts, and this can be a real circuit breaker for sexual pleasure and desire.”
Other popular desires women keep hidden include the fantasy of public sex, as well as introducing sex toys into the relationship. So if women have a clear idea of what they want, why aren’t they experimenting with these wants? The reason is simple: 52% of women said they were afraid they’d be judged by their partner, while 46% would feel uncomfortable sharing them. For some women, they had been scarred by a negative experience of opening up with their partner previously. Nearly 30% regretted previously sharing a particular turn-on, and are now hesitant to do it again. This all feeds in to a wider issue of women still feeling pressured during sex to behave in certain ways to satisfy their partner, yet push their own wants and needs to the side. A depressing two in three women admitted to doing things during sex that they don’t enjoy, while a quarter said they find it hard to say ‘stop’ if they no longer want to continue having intercourse. On an even more alarming note, more than half of those surveyed have stopped using contraception to make a partner happy.
Despite all this, there is some positive news. More than three quarters (81%) of women are open to trying something new with their partner – it just may not be at their suggestion. Sex and relationship expert, Dr Tara, ambassador of Pure Queens (a dating app subscription to empower women), says: “I wish women could talk about sex freely in a healthy way and not be perceived negatively. Educate yourself about sex, sexuality, and pleasure. The more you know the more you’ll feel empowered because you can start applying knowledge to your own life. Communicate your expectations and desires regularly to honor your boundaries and self-worth.”
While it’s easier said than done, these are great things to put into practice, and you never know, your partner may secretly want to try that sexual fantasy of yours too.