The face of misery? It might just be a single woman recounting her latest dating experience. A pervasive sense of despair hangs heavy in the air, a far cry from the endearingly awkward fumbles of dating past. The current climate feels almost Orwellian in its bleakness.
“I’m considering moving countries,” one woman confided recently. Another, recently ghosted, simply stated, “I’m not bothering anymore. I’ve given up completely.” The woes of modern dating are plentiful: transactional app cultures, a widespread lack of communication skills, and a deep-seated sense of sexual and sociological disillusionment. One friend, in her thirties, summed it up succinctly: “All the single men my age are bald.” (My response? “Jason Statham.”)
As a single straight woman myself, I know the struggles. My friends and I recently created a WhatsApp support group—a testament to the shared trauma and the need for collective catharsis. But the sheer scale of the despair was a revelation. Consider the recent trends: women opting out of dating entirely; embracing “boysober” lifestyles or celibacy; even the rise of the 4B movement (women rejecting relationships with men for political reasons). Dating is facing a full-blown PR crisis, and I fear it’s only exacerbating the problem.
While commiserating over cocktails and sharing horror stories might provide temporary solace—creating a sort of trauma-bonding conference with “#MenAreTrash” branded goodie bags—it’s ultimately unhelpful. Negativity breeds negativity. If we approach dating with residual anger and hostility, we’re only perpetuating a cycle of hurt.
So, where do we find hope? Relationship expert Matthew Hussey, author of *Love Life*, offers this advice: “It’s easy to surround yourself with people unhappy in love. It can even become a kind of fetish. But if that’s all you hear, you’ll believe it. Some people enjoy dating, others don’t. We need to focus on positive realities. Dating is just life.”
We’ve been wrongly conditioned to believe that every date is a failure unless it leads to marriage. (I blame Richard Curtis for this one.) The truth is, most people we date won’t become our spouses. Negative experiences are inevitable, but manageable.
Existential psychotherapist Naomi Magnus adds, “Managing expectations is key. Wanting deep connection is natural, but not every date will be a perfect match. View dates as opportunities for self-discovery, meeting interesting people, and practicing communication—not just finding ‘the one.’ Embrace the journey.”
Hussey suggests depersonalizing negative experiences. If someone treats you poorly, don’t spiral into self-loathing. Instead, recognize they weren’t right for you. Replace anger with gratitude; they showed you who they are, and you can move on. “Stay connected to what you want—someone who truly gets you. You might have many disappointments, but you only need one successful relationship.”
Dealing with rejection is crucial. Hussey explains, “Love means finding someone who sees your value and chooses you because of it. If they didn’t see that value, what did you lose? Nothing. It’s your ego that’s hurt, not your capacity for love. That’s a vital distinction.”
We also need to accept that finding a long-term partner takes time. Our instant-gratification culture, fueled by dating apps, fosters unrealistic expectations. The swipe-and-match mechanism encourages us to treat dating like Deliveroo—instant results. But real connections require time and face-to-face interactions.
Magnus advises, “The instant gratification of apps creates unrealistic expectations. Take time to cultivate your passions, pursue hobbies, and work on personal goals. When you’re secure and content, you’re better equipped for healthy relationships.”
A common reaction among my most despondent friends is to consider rekindling old flames. “Maybe they weren’t so bad,” one mused. (“Didn’t he cheat on you with his 24-year-old colleague?” another friend quipped. “Yeah, but he’s tall and has a good job.”) This is usually a bad idea.
Jillian Turecki, host of the *Jillian on Love* podcast and author of *It Begins With You*, cautions, “We often idealize an ex. Write down the realities of the relationship and review it daily. Talk to friends who can remind you how difficult it really was.”
If you’re ready to date again, try meeting people offline. Join clubs, volunteer, participate in activities that align with your interests. Magnus suggests, “Meeting in a natural setting allows for deeper connection and removes app pressure.”
Ultimately, the best advice is personalized. The most insightful wisdom I received came from a 17-year-old at a mentoring event: “Everyone looks for love. They think they have to find it. That’s wrong. Love is supposed to find you.”
