The face of misery? It’s not hard to find. Just talk to a single woman navigating the modern dating scene. A palpable sense of despair, once a quirky quirk, has morphed into something far more sinister; a dystopian landscape of dashed hopes and emotional exhaustion. “I’m considering moving country,” one single woman confessed. Another, recently ghosted, simply stated, “I’m not bothering anymore. I’ve given up completely.”
These aren’t isolated incidents. Countless disheartened daters cite the transactional nature of dating apps, a pervasive lack of communication skills, and a deep-seated disillusionment with both the sexual and sociological aspects of modern romance. One friend, in her thirties, summed it up succinctly: “All the single men my age are bald.” My response? “Jason Statham.”
Even as a single, straight woman myself, I knew things were tough. My friends and I recently formed a support WhatsApp group—a lifeline for sharing stories, screenshots, and therapist soundbites. But the sheer scale of the despair was shocking. The recent rise of trends like “boysober,” celibacy, and the 4B movement (women rejecting relationships with men for political reasons) underscores the crisis. Dating is undeniably facing a PR catastrophe, and the negativity is only exacerbating the problem.
While commiserating over bad dates can be cathartic—a kind of trauma bonding fueled by #MenAreTrash-branded solidarity—it’s not a sustainable solution. Negativity breeds more negativity. If we approach dating with residual hostility and anger, we only perpetuate a cycle of hurt. So, how do we find hope amidst the wreckage?
“It’s incredibly easy to surround ourselves with people who are unhappy in love,” explains Matthew Hussey, renowned relationship expert and author of *Love Life*. “It can even become a kind of fetish—trading horror stories. But constant negativity shapes your perception. Some people genuinely enjoy dating; others don’t. We must actively seek out positive perspectives and remember that dating is simply a part of life.”
We’ve been wrongly conditioned to believe that every dating experience must culminate in marriage. This unrealistic expectation—I’m blaming Richard Curtis here—sets us up for failure. Most people we date won’t become our spouses. Negative experiences are inevitable, however disheartening.
Naomi Magnus, an existential psychotherapist, emphasizes managing expectations: “While yearning for deep connection is natural, remember that not every date will lead to a perfect match. View dates as opportunities for self-discovery, meeting interesting people, and practicing communication—not as immediate paths to ‘the one.’ Embrace the journey, not just the destination.”
Hussey suggests depersonalizing negative experiences and reframing them. If someone treats you poorly, don’t wallow in self-loathing. Instead, recognize that they were simply not right for you. Try to replace anger with gratitude: they revealed their true selves, saving you time and heartache. “Stay connected to what you want—finding someone who truly understands you,” Hussey advises. “Disappointing experiences are temporary; you only need one right person.”
Rejection is unavoidable, but coping with it is a matter of perspective. “The essence of love is finding someone who sees your value and chooses you because of it,” Hussey explains. “If they don’t see that value, what have you truly lost? Nothing. It’s your ego that’s hurt, not your capacity for love. That’s a crucial distinction.”
We also need to accept that finding a long-term partner takes time. Modern society, with its instant gratification, has warped our expectations. Dating apps, with their swipe-based mechanisms, encourage immediacy. While finding someone attractive is quick, building genuine connection takes time and often requires face-to-face interaction. “The instant gratification of apps creates unrealistic expectations,” says Magnus. “Cultivate your passions, pursue hobbies, and work on your personal goals. When you’re secure and content, you’re better equipped for healthy relationships.”
Among my most disillusioned friends, a common coping mechanism is revisiting old flames. “Maybe they weren’t so bad,” one mused. “Didn’t he cheat on you with his 24-year-old colleague?” another quipped. “Yeah, but he’s tall and has a good job,” was the reply. This, needless to say, is usually a terrible idea.
Jillian Turecki, host of the *Jillian on Love* podcast and author of *It Begins With You*, warns against this: “We often idealize exes, replaying a fantasy rather than reality. Write down the harsh truths about your past relationship and review it daily. Talk to friends who can remind you how difficult it truly was.”
If you’re ready to re-enter the dating scene, try meeting people offline. I know, I know—I’ll scream if I hear one more person suggest a running club—but it does make a difference. “Participate in group activities that align with your interests,” advises Magnus. “Natural environments foster deeper connections, reducing the pressure of dating apps.”
The best advice I received came from an unexpected source: a 17-year-old girl at a charity mentoring event. “The problem is everyone searches for love,” she wisely observed. “They think it’s something to be found. But that only leads to disappointment.” Her solution? “Love is supposed to find you.”
