The suggestion of surrogacy initially met with an adamant refusal. At 35, healthy, financially secure, and in a loving relationship, I felt compelled to experience the traditional path to motherhood. Surrogacy, I believed, was for those who had endured years of infertility struggles. My perspective shifted dramatically after a severe ankle injury. While recovering, I experienced persistent calf pain. While my doctor dismissed the possibility of a blood clot as “super-unlikely,” I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling of unease. My intuition proved right. An ultrasound revealed a deep vein thrombosis (DVT), a potentially life-threatening condition. This incident unearthed a deeply-rooted anxiety and panic that I had managed to suppress for years. My relentless vigilance, a coping mechanism against my fears, had unknowingly saved my life.
The experience exposed the fragility of my mental health, and I sought professional help. I discovered I was not only dealing with anxiety and panic but also mild depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The realization that medication could offer relief from my relentless anxieties was both frightening and liberating. The fear of potential side effects was palpable, but the promise of a life free from constant worry was too tempting to ignore.
The decision to pursue surrogacy was not an easy one. I had always been acutely aware of the dangers and complexities of pregnancy. The politicization of motherhood and the alarming statistics regarding maternal mortality, particularly for Black women, fueled my anxieties. Moreover, my history of sexual assault cast a long shadow, making me hesitant about surrendering my body to the potential trauma of pregnancy. The societal pressure to embrace motherhood and the expectation of self-sacrifice further complicated my feelings.
Through therapy, I gained a deeper understanding of myself and my needs. I realized that I had the right to choose how I became a mother and that I wasn’t bound by societal expectations or statistics. The possibility of surrogacy, coupled with my newfound self-awareness and a supportive partner, presented an alternative path.
It took time to reconcile my anxieties with the realities of surrogacy. I grappled with the stigma and judgment often associated with this choice. The fear of being perceived as selfish or vain, as someone who was buying a baby rather than experiencing the traditional path to motherhood, weighed heavily on me.
Ultimately, the decision to pursue surrogacy was rooted in a deep desire to protect myself from further trauma and to prioritize my own well-being. It was a choice made not out of weakness, but out of strength and self-love. I recognized that the extraordinary women who choose to be surrogates do so because they embrace the experience of pregnancy, a perspective I couldn’t share.
My journey to motherhood was a testament to the power of self-awareness, the importance of prioritizing mental health, and the courage to make unconventional choices. It taught me that motherhood could be embraced on my own terms, that I didn’t have to sacrifice my well-being or succumb to societal expectations. Now, as a mother, I am committed to teaching my daughter the importance of self-care and to empowering her to make choices that align with her values and her well-being.
