Take a look around you today, and it’s increasingly obvious that we’ve lost the ability to converse. We flirt with someone online for weeks, even months, only to meet them in real life and find they have no chat at all. We watch our friends’ lives play out on social media rather than carving out time to catch up in person. As for our relationships with our coworkers? How many times a day do you find yourself saying: “You’re on mute.” It’s little wonder that loneliness is increasingly becoming a problem. One in four adults now feels very or fairly lonely, and we have fewer friends on average than we did 30 years ago. The World Health Organisation has declared loneliness a global health threat, while the US surgeon general has compared the associated health risks of loneliness with that of smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Clearly, it’s time for us all to remind ourselves of the value of simply having a chat with each other.
I know firsthand how transformative mastering the art of conversation can be. As a child growing up in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere, I had a speech impediment, which—coupled with the realization that I was gay—brought on plenty of anxiety and bullying. It’s only after I found my voice with the help of a speech therapist that I discovered the confidence to talk to just about anyone, enabling me to carve out the life—and career—I wanted for myself, one that revolves around interviewing celebrities on my podcast. Here, seven tips that helped me improve my conversation skills – and, by extension, my mental health.
Be an active listener, not a passive one
Most of us listen to what someone is saying with the intention of replying rather than truly understanding them better. As a general rule of thumb, try to spend twice as much time listening in a conversation as you do talking. Being an active listener means maintaining eye contact, focusing your mind solely on the person in front of you (never on your phone), and refraining from offering any unsolicited advice. If you feel the urge to interrupt, say something like “I see” or “I understand,” instead.
Check in with your social battery
Know what drains you and what restores you emotionally. No one can have a life-changing heart-to-heart when they’re feeling totally depleted. If your diary is chock-a-block, you owe it to yourself—and everyone else—to reschedule some things. There’s no need to make up an excuse; just say that you have too much on, and would love to meet another time. Equally, if there’s a social event that you’re particularly nervous about—say, going to a wedding alone—conserve your resources beforehand rather than going on a night out/agreeing to host a dinner party/meeting your partner’s parents for the first time. That way, you’ll have the energy to speak to everyone at the event—even the guy from uni you haven’t seen since that awkward sexual encounter 10 years ago.
Ask unexpected questions
Meeting someone for the first time? You’ll leave a far better impression if you ask something quirky instead of talking about the weather. Instead of “What have you been up to lately?”, try “What are you proudest of recently?” Little tweaks to common questions can make them feel more personal, pique someone’s interest, and cause them to dig a little deeper.
Know that difficult conversations can be some of the most rewarding
Being able to address disagreements is key, whether it involves a tricky chat with your boss or clearing the air with a friend you feel has wronged you. Setting up a time to speak in advance will give both of you a chance to prepare what you would like to say. There’s no harm in writing notes to refer back to if you get flustered. If you’re feeling anxious, it’s OK to say that you’re nervous and worried you might say the wrong thing. Make sure you both have ample time to speak, even if that means sitting in silence for a while, and never raise your voice. Remember, you’re not looking to take someone down; you’re doing this to come to a mutual understanding.
Make every space you enter feel like a club toilet at 2 a.m.
Why? Because it’s the ultimate safe space, where everyone’s liberal with compliments and reassurances. The goal when chatting should always be to make everyone feel comfortable and celebrated. Telling people that you love X, Y, or Z about them will make you both feel amazing (just steer clear of focusing on their appearance, as you never know how people feel about the way they look).
Don’t filter yourself
Mindless chatter doesn’t tend to lead to meaningful connections. I used to worry that admitting anything embarrassing or awkward would mean that people would cast me off as damaged social goods. In reality, everyone has something that they feel insecure about and think people will judge them for. Opening up about these things to each other is one of the fastest, most therapeutic ways to bond. People are drawn to authenticity like a magnet; you never have to filter your story.
Start and end strong
How you bookend a conversation is just as important as what’s said. Start by asking someone how they are—not out of habit, but from a place of genuine curiosity—keeping your body language warm and relaxed. And if you’re nervous about how to end the conversation? Go for a simple, “It’s been really great chatting with you; let’s catch up again soon.” It always leaves a positive impression.
